...i don't know a thing...

wow. it's 4:30 AM and i'm blogging. i can't sleep. i haven't really slept at all since i live alone...

"When it all comes down to it
What’s the use in knowing all the answers
And I can’t breathe with you watching over me
So why don’t we wait and see where we’re going..."


i REALLY don't know. scary. scary. scary. i graduate in exactly 59 days and have NO idea what i am going to do with my life. much like i don't know lots about my life. although, i've recently come to a personal discovery...
yeah, ok... so we all know i dig assholes.. well i finally know why. my whole life i've fought for the attention of a man that was never there.. and never been able to achieve it successfully- thus, i want what i can't have. i'm all ab the chase. thanks for that. i've lost two very promising relationships bc of it... i've struggled FOR-EV-ER with my insecurities and commitment phobias wondering what was going on (thinking something completely different) and i just figured it out. i hate it. i hate the fact that the sanctity of marriage is really BS to me. bc of your 7****... MEHR. I get what I think i want and then I tire of it... why?... but the ones who don't give me what i want-- wow, it's like something i crave. i'm so used to fighting for it. always. at least i figured it out- finally, right? i mean, ugh. i hate it. i hate that you did this to me. but it wasn't only you. but him, too. ugh, i hate him and i loathe the person he made me. ugh. both of you have screwed me up beyond belief and i pray that maybe one day my future husband (if i EVER get married) may accept me for the person i am, despite all of my flaws. but really, who am i kidding? i don't wanna get married anyway... h yeah, and i was supposed to be not thinking about that anymore. but it's been in my nightmares. no bueno. oh well, i'm tryin...

so many confusions.. so little time. it's like every second i turn around there's a new obstacle staring me in the face like "uh huh!?! yeah!!.. i dare you!!" i don't know what to make of it all. who? what? when? where? why? these are all questions to which i have NO answer for. why must i fall for someone who is ab to leave the country for a year? why must i draw myself into men who give 2 craps about me? why must i continuously throw myself out there?? again i will refer back to Gigi... "He's just not that into you" Gigi... "I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care." true story. I care too much. much to my detriment sometimes. all the time. STUPID HEART!! get off my sleeve!!! ugh. right now i think about two people. two moments that have made me feel soooooo special and so beautiful. and then.. sigh... confusion. get over your ego already. i just have to say....

BAhahahahahahahaHA!!!! that made me laugh!!!! :)

and you, come home already. please? or wait?....

"If you were wondering if I want you to, I want you to..."

ok, so over the melancholy soap opera that is my so called life... it has been such a busy past few weeks. kind of. uh-MAY-zing trip home filled with lots of amazing people that i adore... and must i forget not one, but TWO movie quality scenes? i was so shocked. really. speechless. yeah, i know right-- me? speechless? i guess there's a first time for everything. wow. i love surprises. and little sweet things. it's the little things... i had a great Marg/Mickey's night with my girls- although i only got to see two of my fav girls very briefly (☹).. I got to spend time with my boys that I never see.. and doogs, michelle, and Alicia Ann... It was Great. And so much wonderful time with my family. I love getting to spend time w/ each and every one of them-- especially my little ones. they make me smile. I needed that trip. NOW FOR ANOTHER GREAT WEEKEND!!! YAYS!.. this weekend alone-- LAUren's bday playtime-- Kings of Leon show in NashVegas--- Homecoming game against SC (WE'RE #2, BAYBAY!!)-- and then a SURPIRSE!! YAY! I love surprises. and i LOVEEEEEE my fam. hint hint.

i should probably attempt sleep. but i have soooooo much more to say. it's been a month, hell-- "...You aint seen nothing like me yet..."

i know what i want... i think...

"...when it all comes down to it
what’s the use in knowing all the answers
and i can’t breathe with you watching over me
so why don’t we wait and see where we’re going...

on and on but we don’t know where
on and on but we don’t know why
on and on but we don’t know where
where are we going?"

"I hope it's gonna make you notice... someone like me..."

i got the news today that an amazing and Godly man from my childhood lost his battle to colon cancer this weekend. my heart hurts. you were one of the few members of my church family who never passed judgement on me and always greeted me with a smile, a hug, and a love you when i saw you. your strong faith, kindness, and love will never be forgotten. †

...this weekend was not good to me. some people can be so mean and hurtful and i don't understand why. did i do something to you that i'm unaware of? i've made many mistakes in my day, but i'm a firm believer that only God can judge me. hopefully you'll come to that realization, as well.

i played therapist this weekend for a stranger. someone felt the need to share with him that i had been through something that his girlfriend is battling, at first i was really upset. but i am no longer angry. in a way it was therapy for me, as well. if i can help just one person with my story i don't mind at all. it no longer consumes me. although, rape is no longer a word in my vocabulary. i think my obsession with Law & Order: SVU is a bit therapeutic in a way. the fictional characters of edward stabler and olivia benson make me feel safe. i think i want to volunteer for some sort of organization where I can help other people who have been through/are going through what i did. it will help. i have faith.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." (Psalm 71:20)

i want to be better for everyone that i love and that loves me. i am going to be better. :)

it's amazing how someone you hold so close to your heart can hurt you with just a few words. i would never want to hurt you like that. but i love you, none-the-less. i forgive you for what you said... i love how little caesar's can satisfy my pizza craving for under $6. being broke sucks. and being jobless sucks. pray that i get a job soon. i've been praying hard for that, among other things. prayer works. for example: i prayed forever that you would understand the error of your ways and want to apologize and make it up to me, and you recently have. after a whole summer of tears and wasted thoughts- you finally came around. once. you said some nice things. and then disappeared again?

p.s. i loved when you whispered your song in my ear. it made my night. i miss you already. ♥

♪"i've been roamin' around always looking down at all i see..."♪

"...it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth; the minor falls and the major lifts..."

Oh, how things can change in a month. New apartment. new semester. new feelings of anxiety and stress. new job? no. ☹ i've been here for a month and i've been a lazy, depressing bum. lame? yes, i know. But, that will be no longer. I'm definitely over feeling this whole living alone thing, and it's getting to me. but i'm gonna make it. I just keep telling myself-- three and a half months and I'll be walking across the stage of the coliseum shaking Dr. Whitt's hand to receive my diploma! WOOHOO! RTR!!! so, no more funk. "aint about how i fast i get there, aint about what's waiting on the other side...."

Speaking of RTR, 3 more days and the madness begins again! ALABAMA FOOTBALL, Baybay! B-A-M-A, Bama all the way! I simply love everything about football season. ♥The fall, the big bad wolves, the tailgates, the drunken bama fans (can be pretty high quality entertainment! lol)and did i mention this man? loooooooove him. he's kind of a big deal and he's gonna lead us on another winning streak. what i way to spend my last semester, huh? oh, the excitement. can't wait for this weekend and my upcoming trip to ATL for the first game of what I know will be an amazing season! Me and my caiter boo are taking a road trip. eeeks! I'm stoked. now i just gotta work on the fundage situation. hmmm... I heard people are selling their kidney's on the black market?? ideassssss. not. i just need to get a job, for sure. operation job hunt resumes tomorrow. nooooo fun. that is IF i can ever go to sleep. it's 5:58am and i'm still kicking... i've had the worst insomnia lately. too much on my mind.
let's see...

♫"You were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
It seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
What is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
Maybe it's your awesome songs"♫
((kimya dawson-my rollercoaster)

I'm sad your leaving. ♘it feels so permanent. but it's not like it matters anyway. i ♥ it when you sing. is that cheesy? you make my heart smile for now. then when you leave and he tells me all of your craziness it takes the smile away. we've had so many good talks, i only hope you remember? you do have a heart, right? i promise to cry at the airport for you when you finally actually do leave. and you won't even have to ask. please keep in touch. ugh. it just won't work for me. everytime i think something is new and exciting it fades away. i'm just gonna quit trying and let whatever be, be. and YOU--- how could you be such a kid? omg. i mean, i can't say i'm surprised. but ugh. i was so excited for possibilities. you got scared didn't you?i think it's funny. and you called. is this a new beginning? i'm so happy that you got the help that you needed and have turned your life around for what seems to be the better. prayer works. ☺ i'm happy, if you're happy. will you please call again? all at once it hits. oh yeah, stop trying. duh.

birthdays. make me happy. thank you to all of those who made mine amazing! i love you all. i'm officially one year away from being a quarter of a century old! ahh! i love it. i'm aging gracefully, i guess. who cares, 30 is the new twenty, right? it'll be fun! and to the officer who gave me a speeding ticket on my birthday- pbbbbbtttt!!((imagine me sticking my tongue out at you!) ha. i miss my huntsville boos. kinda makes me wonder if i would've stayed would that have made things any different? hmm...
just a few more pixies for y'all...

.:my bday:.

.:Caiter's bday:.


i need to attempt a few hours of sleep.

"Do you think in aother life I could've been a bird?..."

current feelings: confused, broke, blessed, happy, depressed, smitten, stressed, worried, misunderstood, blah... life. i guess it's what you make of it, huh? it's been so weird for me lately. One minute i'm this and then the next minute i'm this... i'm just gonna smile and let it be. don't think too hard.

the past few weeks have been filled with surprises. new feelings all over the place. i kinda went into an "omg- i'm about to live by myself for the first time EVER" freakout mode. omg. omg. omg. breathe, whitney. i'm gonna miss that companionship, and being able to have someone to talk to and share things with--- not that that can't be done when i live alone, but ya know? and other new unexpected feelings, which could quite possibly have been a bit too premature. ugh. why must i always wear my heart on my sleeve?... put all of my eggs into one basket? and why in the world am i watching 'The Notebook' by myself at 3 am? probably not the wisest decision i could've made for myself this morning. mehr. but, ohh.. how i love ryan gosseling. he is the epitome of all things sexy and southern gentleman. ♥ don't we all just want that notebook fairytale? if only it were that easy... oh, if only.....
**so, i had a special friend request on fb today that took me to a very familiar place. a place that i miss and think about frequently. was i just young and stupid? was it for the best? i pray that what happens is for the best and i guess it has been. i just want to see you happy, and if you are, then i will respect that and be there for you as your friend. no matter how hard it will be. oh yeah, and did you REALLY answer a text from your ex on our date. red flag? i think so. stop getting ahead of yourself. psssh. giah, how do all of my friends like you already? i guess the same way i like you already, huh? oh, and word to the wise if you are reading this: i genuinely hope that you take my advice. be honest and sincere in your actions, and make the changes permanent, not temporary. or else things could just crash down around you before you know it. and thank you for your advice, and for your ears-- when i had no one else to talk to. well, almost no one else. i have the greatest friends. the best are few and far between, it seems especially for me. oh, the things life throws at you. oh, the things.... sleepy time now. hopefully to have sweet dreams. tomorrow is gonna be a good day, right?

i hope you call.

"and if i could swim.... "

yay. life is good. i love being home and am hesitant to leave. partly bc i met a guy that puts a huge ☺ on my face. and also bc i haven't spent enough time w/ my family. but i also miss my loves in tTown sooooooooooo BIG. do you guys miss me yet?? hope so. so i have had like a thousand people read this thing... shocker. although that's not too many considering i've been at this for a year now, but still. shocker... there really might be other ppl than my mom, barbie, and juju reading this. haha. oh well... i do this for me, not for you guys. but i ♥ you, none-the-less.

♪ worth downloading:

☛ Colin Hay- Overkill (anything by this amazing man for that matter.)
☛ Artery Music- I like you
☛ Holly Williams- Three days in bed

my, my my, it's a beautiful world. i am surrounded by beauty in my day-to-day life and i lurv it. beautiful family, beautiful friends, beautiful scenery. i ☺ pretty much all the time. i just love to smile, smiling is my favorite. and i could watch Elf everyday. be jealous. i'm feeling very lovey today. almost giddy. okay, a bit giddy. who would've thought i'd be crushin' on a younger guy? 21 isn't too bad though but absolutely no younger. it's strange, the chemistry. but i have a crush. ♥ who would've thought? blow off the 6'5"/30 yr old.. and revert to the 5'8"/yr old. oh well, who cares. he makes me smile. and he totally knows this song and this band and that's like uh•may•zing. i really like the fact that he can keep up with me and my social butterfly qualities -they usually turn men off- anyone that can follow me around and never meet a stranger, make me and my friends laugh, and keep up with my social ADD is definitely worth keeping around. hmmm...

i can't wait to live alone. but i will miss you dearly. DEARLY. promise we'll still hang all the time? i just feel like this will be the first step towards a new beginning for me. i'm so scared to graduate. ugh. student loans=the devil. i miss you, too. still. always. thank you for being there for me and for offering your assistance if i needed it, preesh. i envy you. not you- Yes, YOU. you inspire me, greatly. the glow that you have now is so beautiful, i can't wait to witness it face2face. play time. ☺ suh-curity... SUH-curity... won't you be my neighbor? lol. that's gonna be a trip. i don't want to leave you yet. come visit me? 5 more months and i'll be back here. scary. if you knew, would you still love me? pinky promise? I MISS YOUUUUUUUU. i'm going to try, try, try. gonna be better.



Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for miracles. God has blessed me heavily with those. thank you for that. the power of prayer is amazing. p.s. i am going to pray for you, and hope that your faith may be restored. i'm sure most reading this will pray for you, too. lucky you. ✡

Things I ♥:
-shrimp cocktail and garlic-cheddar biscuits
-rumplemints
-paula deen, y'all.
-comfy worn in pjs
-scent o' lil' babies
-first kisses
-big brother
-diet mt. dew
-new mixed cds
-chivalry
-holding hands
-dq
-zefron
-reunions w/ old friends
-LIFE.

"what's an adventure to do, but rest these feet at home with you."

☮"...that's why I'm starting with me..."☮

i love lazy sundays. ☂ they make me happy. and they're oh so peaceful. lurve. i also love Michael Jackson music. love, love. and this song is definitely my favorite. it's so sad that he was so troubled, his music was amazing. i pray for his poor kids. i can't wait to dress up and have our memorial dance party tomorrow night. i'm totally gonna sequin a white glove. we're gonna be startin' something. Definitely gonna beat it, because we're bad and we can't stop til we get enough. ok, that's enough. :)

♫current 'feel good' playistism:
James Morrison- Man in the Mirror
Tegan and Sara- Take me Anywhere
Deelite- Groove is in the Heart
Joel Plaskett- Extraordinary
Michael Jackson- The Way You Make Me Feel
David Guretta ft. Kelly Rowland- When Love Takes Over
Tom Petty- American Girl
EMF- Unbelievable
Dave Matthews Band- You & Me
Black Eyed Peas- Boom Boom Pow
Squeeze- Tempted by the Fruit of Another
Uffie- The Party
Mr. Big- To Be With You
Kings of Leon-Milk
Duffy- Ready for the Floor (Hot Chip Cover)
Better Than Ezra- Juicy
Nikki Costa- Everybody Got Their Something
The Rescues- Break Me Out



I love being back in tuscaloosa.
my friends are a mess.
we have sooooo much fun.
♥loves.

speaking of... i trashed the very last rose today. it seems like it took forever to die. although, it died a long time ago (should've taken that as a hint).... i still kept it. convenient- con·ve·nient. adjective. a: suited to personal comfort or to easy performance (meeting at a convenient time) b: suited to a particular situation (a convenient excuse)c: affording accommodation or advantage (found it convenient to deal with both problems at the same time). ha. no thanks. and on the other hand, i have something new for a change. why do i scare so easily? don't freak out this time. dr.chris gives great advice. i probably should listen. we'll see.

i need a man like michael cera in my life. he's adorable.

"...Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"

you truly are my owen. and it kills me. i wish i could get you out of my mind and stop wasting my tears on you. i know you're certainly not thinking of me. ugh. i just can't get over how cowardly you are acting. how could you tell me what you did and then just vanish? i thought about you all day yesterday and i hated it. i spent my whole memorial day thinking of you. i'm so thankful that you fought for our freedom but i hate what it did to you. ptsd is a serious issue. believe me, I KNOW. i pray for you. i worry about you. i think i love you. but, i'm not going to let this consume me, although it seems as if it already has. get out of my head. leave me alone. please. i've taken some initiative. i officially deleted your number from my phone. step one.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

"because I know there's better things to come...

Although you think I cope,
my head is filled with hope...
of some place other than here.

Although you think I smile,
inside all the while...
I'm wondering about my destiny.

I'm thinking about,
all the things,
I'd like to do in my life.

I'm a dreamer,
a distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope, from today.

Even when you see me frown,
my heart won't let me down,
because I know there's better things to come (Woah Yeah).

And when life gets tough,
I feel I've had enough,
I hold on to a distant star,

I'm thinking about,
all the things,
I'd like to do in my life...

I'm a dreamer,
A distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope from today.

So, I've been thinking. It's been such a stressful past few weeks. All I've been doing is thinking about everything. about life and what i'm gonna do with mine. about how i'm living everyday, and changes i need to make. i really need to freaking grow up. and i thought i was doing a pretty good job... but lemme' tell you. wake-up call. no not, the maroon 5 song, wake-up call like, Whitney what the hell are you doing? you're twenty-three and about to graduate, why don't you act like it? Slap in the face.
I'm awake. and I'm trying hard. It's hard to be hurting, and stressed and have so much on your plate. But i'm gonna keep smiling and keep on keeping on, because I know that there're better things to come!

I've been thinking that after I graduate, I'd like to be a flight attendant. And I've been saying that for a long time now, but never really seriously looked into it... and nana sara called me the other day to tell me she had a great idea, and she said we think we have a perfect job for you to do, and i knew as soon as she said it, yay! So, I'm looking into it. I wanna see the world. I want to travel. I want to do big things with my life! BIG things. And I feel like just sitting here and working some 9-5 job isn't gonna cut it for me. I'm too ADD for that, for sure. It's so weird that they thought of that, though. Because It's always been a dream of mine.

Blah. It's almost time for random thoughts. They're not for you to try and figure out and analyze or judge. They're just random thoughts that I wanna get out. It really helps me to focus and clear my mind. Especially times like now. Have you ever had so much gong on that you feel like you can't catch up? Like no matter what you do you're somehow not succeeding or getting any closer to what you want? Ugh. I hate that. I really don't have that much going on-- just a lot of emotional and mental stress.
I did okay in school this semester, but I could have done so much better. My grades could be soooooo much better. But I just can't focus. This fall--- my last go round-- I'm gonna give it all I've got. I can't wait. I think it'll be good for me to live by myself and really spend a lot of time focusing on graduating and trying to be healthy.
I've got to get in shape, for sure. I feel like a cow. I've lost a few more pounds, but I feel so blah lately. I need to take better care of myself.

And to you: but i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple. who i'm sure will never see this blog. never probably care to look at it. because you've never really cared at all. although, sometimes it felt so complete, it seemed so right. hadn't been thinking like that for a while... why did i let it get the best of me? i've wanted so bad to bump into you lately. soooo bad to see you, and want you to call me and talk to me. just to have you as a friend. i'm not gonna forget the things you said to me. and i let it get me so upset, and let it consume me. it caused me a lot of trouble. and you can't even talk to me now? wow. you're not the person i thought you were and it hurts. we had a great friendship and i know you know it. I know you feel differently than your actions. I saw it in your eyes every time you talked to me. You are a coward and you're just not that into me, obviously. take time to realize... why am i wasting my thoughts on you? ugh.

btw, i applied for the next season of tough love. yes, i really did. I think steve could do some work on my heart and help me a lot. don't judge. Yeah.
So i'm really jaded. i've been praying a lot lately. God is amazing. and i am sooo happy for cc. :jealousy: i wish i had your strength. that's really the kind of lifestyle change i could use right now. and really be healthy. I should eat some flintstones too. for fun. :) i really should be getting ready for work right now but i don't want to. mehr. I have so much to say. i'm crushing on another unattainable man, as well. why do i do this to myself? whitney--stop thinking about finding a man and focus on yourself. why can't i do it? oh yeah- you're really getting on my nerves. really, really. you're not above the law, ma'am. just fyi. and you're attitude is a buzzkill for all of us positive and optimistic people. get over your own stuff and be nice. meditate. pray. please.

work time. maybe back later-- i still have a lot upstairs.

"I can almost see it.."

"...That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
*I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on"

The past few weeks have been intense, to say the least. I've experienced a whirl wind of emotions that nearly brought me to my breaking point, but managed to overcome them all successfully. well, for the most part. I've battled a deadly plague of strep throat-- really, it's of the devil-- and feel better now. thankfully. i've lost friends, and brought them back again; Capital 'F' Friends are few and far between. i've definitely been doing some evaluating and learning the hard way who my true Friends really are.

Am i really the person you make me out to be?
Do i really make everyone feel the way you said I do?
Do all my friends secretly feel the way you said?
i've never been more hurt by words in my life. ever.

i must remember this:
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:27-31

I'm trying. oh, so hard... I'm trying. It's easier said than done when you've been hurt so badly. I think I have done a great job. I don't want to lose you as a friend. If you truly feel the way you said, and truly harbor so much hatred for me, why should I try to remain your friend? but, i have. because i love. because i care more about my relationships with my friends than you give me credit for; you're going to see how false your accusations are, and how differently i am than the image you have created of me. i will forgive you, but first you must apologize. i'm still waiting on that, and i have a feeling i will be forever. we'll see.

it makes me wonder. it brings me down.
i have so much to do this week. so much due. but my mind is overloaded with so many different things. so many different thoughts and feelings.

thoughts spill now:
i pray for you. i worry about you. i am here for you. i love you.
i need a few prayers. am i always gonna have to wonder if they're talking about me? are you going to be honest with me about your feelings? why did i do that again? i always set my self up for disaster and disappointment. my taxes are screwed. making that list was a bad idea. am i going to be able to get everything done and pass? i'm so scared. so stressed. there's beauty in the breakdown. why don't you want to be a part of my life anymore? why do you let her define you and control you? preesh. it's nice to know how you really feel. you don't really care anymore do you? oh, the power of prayer. i need to take my medicine. sleep, sleep should be in my future, but instead i'm wide awake. my heart is a jigsaw puzzle. i don't need you to fix me, but i think we could fix each other. maybe you would've been something i'd be good at? maybe i would've been something you'd be good at?? but now, we'll never know. i screwed up, again. story of my life. remove foot from mouth, then speak. duh. will you be excited if i can? i'm ready to go home. i hope you got my voice mail. i hope you don't think that that's how it's gonna be. i need to be better for my self, before i can be better for everyone else. i know you're thinking about me too, i just know it. i know you think about me when you hear the same songs i hear that me think about you. i just wish you would let me know. why can't you be there? i've been here, always. "i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me." i don't want to be that naive girl anymore. mehr. i want to be the girl that makes you weak when she walks by. who makes your heart do somersaults and your tummy tingle with butterflies. i want to walk in the room and your face light up as you proudly tell everyone: this is the girl i love. oh, wishful thinking. distractions, distractions. i've found the right wrong one. ugh. prayers.

on a brighter note:
i got my color ink done. woo hoo.
i think it's absolutely beautiful and i can't stop staring at it.
it truly makes me happy.
see:

let's make this week meaningful.
gotta get a move on.
be blessed.
peace, ♥, princesses.

chasing pavements... with a circus mind.

Life. Oh, sometimes it laughs in your face. Sometimes things happen that are completely unexpected, and throw you for a whirl wind. sometimes we face tragedy. sometimes we find such laughter and happiness that we can laugh back at life. sometimes we can't. ups and downs make us who we are.

"Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"- Jimi Hendrix

I feel like I may be having trouble reading the signs. I don't know. I think I continue to set myself up for failure. or not failure, rejection. but not really rejection, maybe dissatisfaction. I hate having to think so hard about everything. I wish decisions came more naturally and easily. I wish prayers were answered immediately. I wish for less uncertainty. ugh. time for random blogging thoughts... some for random people.

-i keep waiting for the day that one of you will call me and tell me you're madly in love with me. sitting, waiting, wishing.
-i am jealous of your free spirit.
-i wish i would've gotten to know you better, experienced your excitement for life and good will for others. you are in my thoughts everyday. you made me realize exactly how much we take for granted in life, and opened my eyes to reality. thank you for helping me see.
-i can ride my bike with no handle bars.
-you were right when you said you should just realize what was right in front of you. too bad you were too drunk to remember. and too bad i cant forget.
-i think you are making a huge mistake, but you're far too sensitive now to realize it.
-i worry about you all the time. i keep thinking that things will change and you'll all of a sudden just be different. why do i continue to put myself out there? you're just not that into me.
-i feel like christina and you're owen.
-oh, how i love grey's. it makes me smile.
-i want a chuck bass in my life. why does he have to be my type?? why not nate or dan? ugh. why must i dig assholes?
-finally another outlet.
-i can't wait to see my family again.
-cook me something yummy.
-why are you telephone illiterate?
-again the false affection.
-bickity bam. you are rubber. hence, no games.
-i absolutely have to stop eating like a horse so late. ugh.
-i've been calling and texting you for days, brother dear. wtf?
-research?? that's what i'll call it now.
-i have a ton of school work I should be attending to, RIGHT NOW.
-i have ADD. of the worst kind. diarrhea of the mouth.
-FML.i am too good for you and i know it. story of my life.
-why didn't you call me?
-i need to clean my room.
-i need to finish my resume.
-school these days, you'd have to be a fool these days.
-summer heights high- come back to me!!
-i need to be better.

"who wants to be right as rain? It's better when something's wrong."

New Art:

Anchor- keep me grounded.
Tree- reminder I'm always growing.
Clock- reminder how short and precious our time is.

New art. New life. New attitude.

"Well, she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind,
That's running wild.
Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams
And fairytales,

That's all she ever thinks about ...

Riding with the wind.

When I'm sad, she comes to me
With a thousand smiles
She gives to me free.

It's alright, she says,
It's alright;
Take anything you want from me,
Anything.

Fly on, little wing."

Love remembers.

4:25 a.m. and I've awoken in intense tears. A dream turned nightmare that has been recurrent for several months or so. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since you left last Saturday. and even more so before then. I love you and I miss you so much, you have no idea. "How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you."--- nearly brought me to tears tonight at work. I can't stop thinking about it. Oh, how I pray for full circle. It killed me when you bent down to roll up my jeans for me so they wouldn't get soaked in the rain, and then held my hand walking so I wouldn't fall. I miss our innocence. When you used to make you scratch your back for a whole hour, just so I could watch America's Next Top Model or Queer Eye, or whatever ridiculous reality show I was obsessed with. I miss listening to you go on and on about oil filters or carbon fiber or some stupid scientific crap that I had no interest in, and just smiling at you and loving the fact that you were so incredibly smart. I want you back in my life. Because Love remembers. I miss the little surprises. you making me noodles bc you made them best... driving in your ridiculously loud redneck car bc you love it so much... the look on your face whenever you got excited about something... i need to stop crying and go back to sleep. But Love remembers. Do I need to try to forget? bc I don't want to. I'm gonna give it to God.

"We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

I love my life! I've kinda struggled with that thought lately; I've been uber-stressed. yes, I said uber-stressed. First of all, this "crud" needs to leave me alone! I've had an upper respiratory/sinus infection for the past three weeks, yes 3***! booo, you illness, quit stalking me. kinda makin' me crazy. i just wanna stay in my bed and not leave the house because there are more germs floating around my classroom than DCH. yuck. Next, I have but one thing to say: He's just not that into you. And lemme' tell you, I needed to see that. I loved the movie. Absolutely Lurved it. It made me come to a realization that I have been needing for a long time. If he doesn't call you, he's not into you. "Men don't forget how much they like you, so put down the phone!", Thank you. "If you can find him, then he can find you. and if he wants to find you, he will." Thank you for that one, too. I am far better than that guy, that's for sure. Oh, and him, sir skank is officially out of my life forever. Thank you, Jesus. You have been good to me. I have amazing friends. Crazy, but amazing none-the-less. Thank you for getting me through each day! You are what keeps me from going crazy missing my family. You are my family. Thank you for that.




New year, new me. I'm trying to start all over. Let's try the whole single and lovin' it thing. I just have two more classes after this semester and then i'm done. yay, me! I have so many thoughts for what I want to do when I graduate. ugh. I need to get my resume together for summer internships. AHH!!! No more princess procrastinator. time to get serious. so that means NO Distractions. I'm gonna try to stick to it. I definitely am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. i lurve it. although, i'm getting fat. i hate it. new year, new me-- so let's get's get rid of this flab, ok whit? I want to start going to the rec. i need to start eating better/less. i wish i weren't on this stupid late night-college kid-fast food-ultra carb nutrition nightmare. speaking of nightmares: i'm over this one. this stupid, recurrent, completely messing with my head, taking me places i shouldn't be dream. it's weird, it's a dream and a nightmare at the same time. like my past is haunting me. i'm ready for it to stop. although, i miss him. come pick me up.

"on many occasions i go out into the world and make a complete fool of myself but i always come back, and in the end, i love every minute of it." -- f. scott fitzgerald