Sunday, November 23, 2008

"Sleep, it's the easiest thing to do... you just... close your eyes..."

first of all-- Thank you for teaching me all that you did about myself... and about the many horrible people in this world who will mistake your kindness for weakness and take advantage of you, then chew you up and spit you out. It hurt at first, I cried.. I screamed.. and now, I'm laughing. Life is better without you-- parasite-- no car, no hair, no money, no friends, no future, no respect or love for anyone but yourself--- Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me with a break up...
and p.s.-- she's cheating on you. :P

There- I'm done, I can wash my hands of that heinous mistake and move on with my life now.
(but i'd still like my money, please).

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. Slow it down. Make it stop. Or else my heart is going to pop. 'Cause it's too much. Yeah, it's a lot. To be something I'm not. I'm a fool. Out of love. 'Cause I just can't get enough. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. The sun is hot. In the sky. Just like a giant spotlight. The people follow the sign. And synchronize in time. It's a joke. Nobody knows. They've got a ticket to that show. Yeah. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. Just enjoy the show. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. dum de dum. dudum de dum. Just enjoy the show. dum de dum. dudum de dum. Just enjoy the show. I want my money back. I want my money back. I want my money back. Just enjoy the show."

now a bit of random blogging.

This weekend was fun. but a bit dramatic. I'm 23 years old-- I jumped off the HIgh school train about 5 years ago. But I still love you all, none-the-less. Happy Birthday to the BEST LIL' SISTER EVER-- you are such a beautiful person, inside and out, I am so glad you came into my life!!!...
I wish i never would have let you go. (no, not said parasite.) first love. i miss you. and i think about you everyday. I wonder, sometimes, if maybe when i graduate we can be together. I have faith that God will bring you back if he wants to...
purple. my new pink. i think you are absolutely beautiful and you make me smile. and you look great on me. besides, it's still a princess color, right?...
everyday I think God for my many blessings of new friends-- loves-- into my life.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people. Thank you smiling and laughing, and for making me smile and laugh. and making my life better each day. I love you for it. now if only you read my blogs. psssh.. no one does that but my mom...

speaking of-- oh how i can't wait for turkey day. yays. i can't wait to see my family. and my beautiful nieces. and get my hair cut. and see my nieces. and eat, eat, eat. screw weight watchers Thursday. I'm doin it BIG. I come from a family of UH-MAY-ZING chefs. yum. i can't wait to taste my mom's, and my nana's, and my sister's home cooking. :) pass that torch on please....
Can I just say-- "I love to smile, smiling is my favortite!" and "The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing loud for all to hear!!"-- YAYS for the most wonderful time of the year. I have big plans for all my people this year and I can't wait. Christmas movies. Christmas MUSIC. Christmas decorations. Oh. em. gee. LOVES IT! I've already watched Elf-- (3 times)-- Home Alone, A Christmas Story, AND Bad Santa-- and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...
I made a list last week. it made me angry. i'm not okay with the fact that it consumes me and who I am. but i can't change it. i mean, i can but that seems so hard. i don't know what to do...

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” -Jack Kerouak

grey's is my junk. i ♥ it. so, so BIG. it makes me smile. it makes me think about life, my life, and how i'm not alone in the world with all my problems. everyone has problems...
men who have children and don't take care of them really piss me off. how could you live on the other side of a country from your child and not take care of him? how could you allow seven years to pass without trying. try. try harder. he'll resent you one day if you don't...
even though i love the sense of karma, and the news you shared with me made my life-- i still wish you would have told me sooner. but i love you for sharing. better late than never. and thank you for respecting my love and my space and allowing me to learn from my mistakes. preesh. omg. you're dialect is totally rubbing off on me. it's so funny how people in your life can influence you without even knowing...
and now, to you: i'm sorry he hurt you. i'm sorry i hurt you by merely talking to him. he's my friend, you're my friend. and my loyalty is to you because i love you. but that doesn't mean i'm going to stop being friend's with him, and you should not ask me to do that. you should just know how much love and respect I have for you and our friendship and that i would NEVER violate that. ever. i'm not the type...
oh, how i've had so much to say for so long... but a break for now, for i need to attempt sleep. and dream of...

"...But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp-- We want it but we don't know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time isn't so scary because we realize--- we aren't all alone in the dark"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

"I wanna go to Hawaii..."

"I want to go to Hawaii,
Build my castle out of sand...
And I won't need anybody telling me that I can't"

I think I've finally accepted it, and if you love me, you have accepted it, as well... I'm pretty much the most emotional human being to ever walk the face of the earth. I come with a twin, but not so much twin, as we were definitely not born on the same day and we definitely are not identical--- my sister. It doesn't seem as if our mom is quite this way... UGH!

I spent an amazingly wonderful Saturday in the comfort of my beautiful family, and although I had planned an eventful, fun-filled evening of my usual debauchery, I enjoyed this one probably more-so than the other. I guess you could say I'm growing up. Although, not as much as I'd like because if I'd have had my favorite person by my side, the night would have been almost as calm, but not quite... i'm just too ADD for my own good.

But anywho.. I spent my Saturday driving a little while, painting faces a bit, and being the object of an adorable five year old's affection, and boy, was it fun! :)
Everyone needs that every once in a while.

AND OH. EM. GEE. Did you see that Alabama game???
Can I just say ROLL TIDE!!!!!!!!!!???????? #2 BAYBAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I freakin love it.
And I cannot wait for my "zone" seats this weekend.

and until then...
Peace, ♥, and Princeses

Monday, September 1, 2008

"My soul is as open as the sky..."

I found this on a friends blog just now, and I figured it would offer a nice change from the bit melancholy persona my blog may have taken on in it's first posts... also, It may help everyone to learn a little about bit more about little ole' me.

peace, ♥, and princesses. :)

Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (no names):
+ I love you.
+ Oh, how I wish you would come visit me.
+ I'm smarter than you think I am.
+ Thank you for teaching me so much about myself.
+ You're better than you give yourself credit for.
+ I miss you terribly.
+ I wish, more than anything, that we could spend more time together.
+ Thank you for each and every laugh we've shared.
+ I'm sorry.
+ You inspire me.

Nine things about yourself:
+ I'm a very messy, unorganized person.
+ I wear my heart on my sleeve.
+ I'm the biggest 23 year old Eagles fan you will EVER meet, Don Henley holds my ♥!
+ I am 7x more emotional than the average female... it's in my blood.
+ I've been blessed with the most amazing, loving, caring, comedic, crazy, dysfunctional family ever, and wouldn't trade them for the world.
+ I'm a sinner saved by grace. God has given me nine lives and I refuse to take this one for granted.
+ I am a princess. (at least, in the eyes of my mom and dad, and my beautiful lil' princess nieces, and that's all that matters.)
+ I worry and over analyze everything until it makes me crazy.
+ My mom is my hero.

Eight ways to win you over:
+ cook for me.
+ sing to me. oh, how I love more than anything to be serenaded.
+ Dance with me in the rain.
+ Hold my hand, kiss me on my forehead/nose, and give me sweet bear hugs.
+ Tell me about your dreams. past, present, and future.
+ Take me on surprise road trips.
+ Spend hours doing nothing with me, being lazy, and vegging out and love it.
+ Treat me like the princess that I am.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:
+ Am I wasting my time?
+ I need to lose weight.
+ Do you miss me?
+ I should be doing something more productive right now.
+ I wish I could learn how to _________(insert something interesting here).
+ I should really clean my room.
+ I miss mom's cooking.

Six things you wish you never did:
+ Acquired the potty mouth that I have
+ Scared/Hurt my family
+ Lost touch with friends
+ Trust as freely
+ Gained weight
+ Lost touch with my faith.

Five turn offs:
+ Arrogance
+ No sense of humor
+ Bad hygiene
+ Selfishness
+ Femininity. be a man already, giah.

Four turn ons:
+ Genuine smile
+ Great smell
+ Great sense of humor
+ Intelligence

Three things you want to do before you die:
+ Play the slots in Vegas
+ Sky dive
+ Get a Europass and travel Europe for a while.

Two smileys that describe you:
+animal smileys
+war smileys

One confession:
+ I am so scared of my future. I don't want to grow up and join the real world.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

And wow, have my dreams been working overtime.

It's been a little bit since my first post, I have been meaning to sit down and spill everyday, but... life happens. Ya know?

I keep finding myself in this little girl, fairy tale, Disney movie kinda attitude lately.

Every morning I wake up following another random assortment of dreams that always leave me wondering. I find myself in far away places, with people that I haven't seen in ages, or maybe even met just once... dreaming of things and people in my day-to-day life, and wondering the significance... Is that really gonna happen?? It's taken a lot to try to keep myself grounded and 'reality check' every once in a while due to the overflow. But I think I'd have to say I'm doing pretty well. I thought I'd gotten myself in a stand still, but luckily managed to have temporarily worked everything out to the best of my ability. Sometimes I just wish too hard, I think. Especially lately. I wish that everything would just quit going wrong and I could have my perfect little fairy tale. I wish for genuine happiness.. but then again, doesn't everyone?? I wish that I could disable the part of my brain that causes me to overanalyze and worry about EVERYTHING. I wish I could find someone who loves me unconditionally and wants to share their heart and their world with me. I wish I could stand up and do what I said in my first blog... Ugh, I wish.. I wish.. I wish...

I wish I could sit down and finish one complete blog all at once.... (this one has taken over a week.)

It's my birthday today and all I want is for it to be special. I want to feel special and feel like a princess.
I want someone to make my birthday as special as someone else's was.
And instead, I'm depressed and 200 miles away from my family and most of my friends.


Sunday, August 3, 2008

Channeling my inner Carrie...

With my macbook at my fingertips, and my head and heart full, my inner Carrie Bradshaw is making it's first appearance and I'm making my way into the blog world.  
I've been pondering the idea for a while, but something in my head has been holding me back... every time I've sat down in front of my laptop, I've choked. Not this time... I've got too much on my mind.  I feel like the past few weeks of my life have come straight from the TV (the only channel being the Soap Opera Network, and it's a "Young & the Restless" Marathon). 
Like my mother and my sister, I've always been a giver. Although I've never been able to be as selfless as those two, but I think that will come with motherhood (and that's something that's definitely not in the cards for me anytime soon, so I will just have to deal for a while). I like to do things for other people. I like to make people laugh and smile and will do anything that I can for anyone, that's just me. But these days, I think I need someone here to do that for me for a while. I miss my family so much. I think they would help. I wish I could go home and visit more often, or that they could come here. There are two beautiful little girls there, that hold my heart, and can always bring a smile to my face: my nieces, Emma and Anna.

 Not to discard anyone else (don't be upset, mom.), but they can always make me smile even when all I wanna do is cry or be angry. I need more of them in my life. I need more smiling; less tears, less anger, LESS STRESS.

I've learned so much about myself, though.  Each day has presented a new test: a battle, an experience, decisions to be made, and questions to be answered.. all of which that require more and more thought and energy, and I'm spent. I'm not gonna let it get me down anymore, though. I'm heading into my Senior year with a smile. I'm kicking my feet back, taking in the fresh air, slowing down to smell all the flowers, and breathing deeply. I deserve it.