Thursday, August 14, 2008

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

And wow, have my dreams been working overtime.

It's been a little bit since my first post, I have been meaning to sit down and spill everyday, but... life happens. Ya know?

I keep finding myself in this little girl, fairy tale, Disney movie kinda attitude lately.

Every morning I wake up following another random assortment of dreams that always leave me wondering. I find myself in far away places, with people that I haven't seen in ages, or maybe even met just once... dreaming of things and people in my day-to-day life, and wondering the significance... Is that really gonna happen?? It's taken a lot to try to keep myself grounded and 'reality check' every once in a while due to the overflow. But I think I'd have to say I'm doing pretty well. I thought I'd gotten myself in a stand still, but luckily managed to have temporarily worked everything out to the best of my ability. Sometimes I just wish too hard, I think. Especially lately. I wish that everything would just quit going wrong and I could have my perfect little fairy tale. I wish for genuine happiness.. but then again, doesn't everyone?? I wish that I could disable the part of my brain that causes me to overanalyze and worry about EVERYTHING. I wish I could find someone who loves me unconditionally and wants to share their heart and their world with me. I wish I could stand up and do what I said in my first blog... Ugh, I wish.. I wish.. I wish...

I wish I could sit down and finish one complete blog all at once.... (this one has taken over a week.)

It's my birthday today and all I want is for it to be special. I want to feel special and feel like a princess.
I want someone to make my birthday as special as someone else's was.
And instead, I'm depressed and 200 miles away from my family and most of my friends.


Sunday, August 3, 2008

Channeling my inner Carrie...

With my macbook at my fingertips, and my head and heart full, my inner Carrie Bradshaw is making it's first appearance and I'm making my way into the blog world.  
I've been pondering the idea for a while, but something in my head has been holding me back... every time I've sat down in front of my laptop, I've choked. Not this time... I've got too much on my mind.  I feel like the past few weeks of my life have come straight from the TV (the only channel being the Soap Opera Network, and it's a "Young & the Restless" Marathon). 
Like my mother and my sister, I've always been a giver. Although I've never been able to be as selfless as those two, but I think that will come with motherhood (and that's something that's definitely not in the cards for me anytime soon, so I will just have to deal for a while). I like to do things for other people. I like to make people laugh and smile and will do anything that I can for anyone, that's just me. But these days, I think I need someone here to do that for me for a while. I miss my family so much. I think they would help. I wish I could go home and visit more often, or that they could come here. There are two beautiful little girls there, that hold my heart, and can always bring a smile to my face: my nieces, Emma and Anna.

 Not to discard anyone else (don't be upset, mom.), but they can always make me smile even when all I wanna do is cry or be angry. I need more of them in my life. I need more smiling; less tears, less anger, LESS STRESS.

I've learned so much about myself, though.  Each day has presented a new test: a battle, an experience, decisions to be made, and questions to be answered.. all of which that require more and more thought and energy, and I'm spent. I'm not gonna let it get me down anymore, though. I'm heading into my Senior year with a smile. I'm kicking my feet back, taking in the fresh air, slowing down to smell all the flowers, and breathing deeply. I deserve it.