Sunday, April 26, 2009

"I can almost see it.."

"...That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
*I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on"

The past few weeks have been intense, to say the least. I've experienced a whirl wind of emotions that nearly brought me to my breaking point, but managed to overcome them all successfully. well, for the most part. I've battled a deadly plague of strep throat-- really, it's of the devil-- and feel better now. thankfully. i've lost friends, and brought them back again; Capital 'F' Friends are few and far between. i've definitely been doing some evaluating and learning the hard way who my true Friends really are.

Am i really the person you make me out to be?
Do i really make everyone feel the way you said I do?
Do all my friends secretly feel the way you said?
i've never been more hurt by words in my life. ever.

i must remember this:
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:27-31

I'm trying. oh, so hard... I'm trying. It's easier said than done when you've been hurt so badly. I think I have done a great job. I don't want to lose you as a friend. If you truly feel the way you said, and truly harbor so much hatred for me, why should I try to remain your friend? but, i have. because i love. because i care more about my relationships with my friends than you give me credit for; you're going to see how false your accusations are, and how differently i am than the image you have created of me. i will forgive you, but first you must apologize. i'm still waiting on that, and i have a feeling i will be forever. we'll see.

it makes me wonder. it brings me down.
i have so much to do this week. so much due. but my mind is overloaded with so many different things. so many different thoughts and feelings.

thoughts spill now:
i pray for you. i worry about you. i am here for you. i love you.
i need a few prayers. am i always gonna have to wonder if they're talking about me? are you going to be honest with me about your feelings? why did i do that again? i always set my self up for disaster and disappointment. my taxes are screwed. making that list was a bad idea. am i going to be able to get everything done and pass? i'm so scared. so stressed. there's beauty in the breakdown. why don't you want to be a part of my life anymore? why do you let her define you and control you? preesh. it's nice to know how you really feel. you don't really care anymore do you? oh, the power of prayer. i need to take my medicine. sleep, sleep should be in my future, but instead i'm wide awake. my heart is a jigsaw puzzle. i don't need you to fix me, but i think we could fix each other. maybe you would've been something i'd be good at? maybe i would've been something you'd be good at?? but now, we'll never know. i screwed up, again. story of my life. remove foot from mouth, then speak. duh. will you be excited if i can? i'm ready to go home. i hope you got my voice mail. i hope you don't think that that's how it's gonna be. i need to be better for my self, before i can be better for everyone else. i know you're thinking about me too, i just know it. i know you think about me when you hear the same songs i hear that me think about you. i just wish you would let me know. why can't you be there? i've been here, always. "i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me." i don't want to be that naive girl anymore. mehr. i want to be the girl that makes you weak when she walks by. who makes your heart do somersaults and your tummy tingle with butterflies. i want to walk in the room and your face light up as you proudly tell everyone: this is the girl i love. oh, wishful thinking. distractions, distractions. i've found the right wrong one. ugh. prayers.

on a brighter note:
i got my color ink done. woo hoo.
i think it's absolutely beautiful and i can't stop staring at it.
it truly makes me happy.

let's make this week meaningful.
gotta get a move on.
be blessed.
peace, ♥, princesses.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

chasing pavements... with a circus mind.

Life. Oh, sometimes it laughs in your face. Sometimes things happen that are completely unexpected, and throw you for a whirl wind. sometimes we face tragedy. sometimes we find such laughter and happiness that we can laugh back at life. sometimes we can't. ups and downs make us who we are.

"Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"- Jimi Hendrix

I feel like I may be having trouble reading the signs. I don't know. I think I continue to set myself up for failure. or not failure, rejection. but not really rejection, maybe dissatisfaction. I hate having to think so hard about everything. I wish decisions came more naturally and easily. I wish prayers were answered immediately. I wish for less uncertainty. ugh. time for random blogging thoughts... some for random people.

-i keep waiting for the day that one of you will call me and tell me you're madly in love with me. sitting, waiting, wishing.
-i am jealous of your free spirit.
-i wish i would've gotten to know you better, experienced your excitement for life and good will for others. you are in my thoughts everyday. you made me realize exactly how much we take for granted in life, and opened my eyes to reality. thank you for helping me see.
-i can ride my bike with no handle bars.
-you were right when you said you should just realize what was right in front of you. too bad you were too drunk to remember. and too bad i cant forget.
-i think you are making a huge mistake, but you're far too sensitive now to realize it.
-i worry about you all the time. i keep thinking that things will change and you'll all of a sudden just be different. why do i continue to put myself out there? you're just not that into me.
-i feel like christina and you're owen.
-oh, how i love grey's. it makes me smile.
-i want a chuck bass in my life. why does he have to be my type?? why not nate or dan? ugh. why must i dig assholes?
-finally another outlet.
-i can't wait to see my family again.
-cook me something yummy.
-why are you telephone illiterate?
-again the false affection.
-bickity bam. you are rubber. hence, no games.
-i absolutely have to stop eating like a horse so late. ugh.
-i've been calling and texting you for days, brother dear. wtf?
-research?? that's what i'll call it now.
-i have a ton of school work I should be attending to, RIGHT NOW.
-i have ADD. of the worst kind. diarrhea of the mouth.
-FML.i am too good for you and i know it. story of my life.
-why didn't you call me?
-i need to clean my room.
-i need to finish my resume.
-school these days, you'd have to be a fool these days.
-summer heights high- come back to me!!
-i need to be better.

"who wants to be right as rain? It's better when something's wrong."

New Art:
Anchor- keep me grounded.
Tree- reminder I'm always growing.
Clock- reminder how short and precious our time is.

New art. New life. New attitude.

"Well, she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind,
That's running wild.
Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams
And fairytales,

That's all she ever thinks about ...

Riding with the wind.

When I'm sad, she comes to me
With a thousand smiles
She gives to me free.

It's alright, she says,
It's alright;
Take anything you want from me,

Fly on, little wing."