...i don't know a thing...

wow. it's 4:30 AM and i'm blogging. i can't sleep. i haven't really slept at all since i live alone...

"When it all comes down to it
What’s the use in knowing all the answers
And I can’t breathe with you watching over me
So why don’t we wait and see where we’re going..."


i REALLY don't know. scary. scary. scary. i graduate in exactly 59 days and have NO idea what i am going to do with my life. much like i don't know lots about my life. although, i've recently come to a personal discovery...
yeah, ok... so we all know i dig assholes.. well i finally know why. my whole life i've fought for the attention of a man that was never there.. and never been able to achieve it successfully- thus, i want what i can't have. i'm all ab the chase. thanks for that. i've lost two very promising relationships bc of it... i've struggled FOR-EV-ER with my insecurities and commitment phobias wondering what was going on (thinking something completely different) and i just figured it out. i hate it. i hate the fact that the sanctity of marriage is really BS to me. bc of your 7****... MEHR. I get what I think i want and then I tire of it... why?... but the ones who don't give me what i want-- wow, it's like something i crave. i'm so used to fighting for it. always. at least i figured it out- finally, right? i mean, ugh. i hate it. i hate that you did this to me. but it wasn't only you. but him, too. ugh, i hate him and i loathe the person he made me. ugh. both of you have screwed me up beyond belief and i pray that maybe one day my future husband (if i EVER get married) may accept me for the person i am, despite all of my flaws. but really, who am i kidding? i don't wanna get married anyway... h yeah, and i was supposed to be not thinking about that anymore. but it's been in my nightmares. no bueno. oh well, i'm tryin...

so many confusions.. so little time. it's like every second i turn around there's a new obstacle staring me in the face like "uh huh!?! yeah!!.. i dare you!!" i don't know what to make of it all. who? what? when? where? why? these are all questions to which i have NO answer for. why must i fall for someone who is ab to leave the country for a year? why must i draw myself into men who give 2 craps about me? why must i continuously throw myself out there?? again i will refer back to Gigi... "He's just not that into you" Gigi... "I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care." true story. I care too much. much to my detriment sometimes. all the time. STUPID HEART!! get off my sleeve!!! ugh. right now i think about two people. two moments that have made me feel soooooo special and so beautiful. and then.. sigh... confusion. get over your ego already. i just have to say....

BAhahahahahahahaHA!!!! that made me laugh!!!! :)

and you, come home already. please? or wait?....

"If you were wondering if I want you to, I want you to..."

ok, so over the melancholy soap opera that is my so called life... it has been such a busy past few weeks. kind of. uh-MAY-zing trip home filled with lots of amazing people that i adore... and must i forget not one, but TWO movie quality scenes? i was so shocked. really. speechless. yeah, i know right-- me? speechless? i guess there's a first time for everything. wow. i love surprises. and little sweet things. it's the little things... i had a great Marg/Mickey's night with my girls- although i only got to see two of my fav girls very briefly (☹).. I got to spend time with my boys that I never see.. and doogs, michelle, and Alicia Ann... It was Great. And so much wonderful time with my family. I love getting to spend time w/ each and every one of them-- especially my little ones. they make me smile. I needed that trip. NOW FOR ANOTHER GREAT WEEKEND!!! YAYS!.. this weekend alone-- LAUren's bday playtime-- Kings of Leon show in NashVegas--- Homecoming game against SC (WE'RE #2, BAYBAY!!)-- and then a SURPIRSE!! YAY! I love surprises. and i LOVEEEEEE my fam. hint hint.

i should probably attempt sleep. but i have soooooo much more to say. it's been a month, hell-- "...You aint seen nothing like me yet..."

i know what i want... i think...

"...when it all comes down to it
what’s the use in knowing all the answers
and i can’t breathe with you watching over me
so why don’t we wait and see where we’re going...

on and on but we don’t know where
on and on but we don’t know why
on and on but we don’t know where
where are we going?"

"I hope it's gonna make you notice... someone like me..."

i got the news today that an amazing and Godly man from my childhood lost his battle to colon cancer this weekend. my heart hurts. you were one of the few members of my church family who never passed judgement on me and always greeted me with a smile, a hug, and a love you when i saw you. your strong faith, kindness, and love will never be forgotten. †

...this weekend was not good to me. some people can be so mean and hurtful and i don't understand why. did i do something to you that i'm unaware of? i've made many mistakes in my day, but i'm a firm believer that only God can judge me. hopefully you'll come to that realization, as well.

i played therapist this weekend for a stranger. someone felt the need to share with him that i had been through something that his girlfriend is battling, at first i was really upset. but i am no longer angry. in a way it was therapy for me, as well. if i can help just one person with my story i don't mind at all. it no longer consumes me. although, rape is no longer a word in my vocabulary. i think my obsession with Law & Order: SVU is a bit therapeutic in a way. the fictional characters of edward stabler and olivia benson make me feel safe. i think i want to volunteer for some sort of organization where I can help other people who have been through/are going through what i did. it will help. i have faith.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." (Psalm 71:20)

i want to be better for everyone that i love and that loves me. i am going to be better. :)

it's amazing how someone you hold so close to your heart can hurt you with just a few words. i would never want to hurt you like that. but i love you, none-the-less. i forgive you for what you said... i love how little caesar's can satisfy my pizza craving for under $6. being broke sucks. and being jobless sucks. pray that i get a job soon. i've been praying hard for that, among other things. prayer works. for example: i prayed forever that you would understand the error of your ways and want to apologize and make it up to me, and you recently have. after a whole summer of tears and wasted thoughts- you finally came around. once. you said some nice things. and then disappeared again?

p.s. i loved when you whispered your song in my ear. it made my night. i miss you already. ♥

♪"i've been roamin' around always looking down at all i see..."♪

"...it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth; the minor falls and the major lifts..."

Oh, how things can change in a month. New apartment. new semester. new feelings of anxiety and stress. new job? no. ☹ i've been here for a month and i've been a lazy, depressing bum. lame? yes, i know. But, that will be no longer. I'm definitely over feeling this whole living alone thing, and it's getting to me. but i'm gonna make it. I just keep telling myself-- three and a half months and I'll be walking across the stage of the coliseum shaking Dr. Whitt's hand to receive my diploma! WOOHOO! RTR!!! so, no more funk. "aint about how i fast i get there, aint about what's waiting on the other side...."

Speaking of RTR, 3 more days and the madness begins again! ALABAMA FOOTBALL, Baybay! B-A-M-A, Bama all the way! I simply love everything about football season. ♥The fall, the big bad wolves, the tailgates, the drunken bama fans (can be pretty high quality entertainment! lol)and did i mention this man? loooooooove him. he's kind of a big deal and he's gonna lead us on another winning streak. what i way to spend my last semester, huh? oh, the excitement. can't wait for this weekend and my upcoming trip to ATL for the first game of what I know will be an amazing season! Me and my caiter boo are taking a road trip. eeeks! I'm stoked. now i just gotta work on the fundage situation. hmmm... I heard people are selling their kidney's on the black market?? ideassssss. not. i just need to get a job, for sure. operation job hunt resumes tomorrow. nooooo fun. that is IF i can ever go to sleep. it's 5:58am and i'm still kicking... i've had the worst insomnia lately. too much on my mind.
let's see...

♫"You were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
It seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
What is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
Maybe it's your awesome songs"♫
((kimya dawson-my rollercoaster)

I'm sad your leaving. ♘it feels so permanent. but it's not like it matters anyway. i ♥ it when you sing. is that cheesy? you make my heart smile for now. then when you leave and he tells me all of your craziness it takes the smile away. we've had so many good talks, i only hope you remember? you do have a heart, right? i promise to cry at the airport for you when you finally actually do leave. and you won't even have to ask. please keep in touch. ugh. it just won't work for me. everytime i think something is new and exciting it fades away. i'm just gonna quit trying and let whatever be, be. and YOU--- how could you be such a kid? omg. i mean, i can't say i'm surprised. but ugh. i was so excited for possibilities. you got scared didn't you?i think it's funny. and you called. is this a new beginning? i'm so happy that you got the help that you needed and have turned your life around for what seems to be the better. prayer works. ☺ i'm happy, if you're happy. will you please call again? all at once it hits. oh yeah, stop trying. duh.

birthdays. make me happy. thank you to all of those who made mine amazing! i love you all. i'm officially one year away from being a quarter of a century old! ahh! i love it. i'm aging gracefully, i guess. who cares, 30 is the new twenty, right? it'll be fun! and to the officer who gave me a speeding ticket on my birthday- pbbbbbtttt!!((imagine me sticking my tongue out at you!) ha. i miss my huntsville boos. kinda makes me wonder if i would've stayed would that have made things any different? hmm...
just a few more pixies for y'all...

.:my bday:.

.:Caiter's bday:.


i need to attempt a few hours of sleep.

"Do you think in aother life I could've been a bird?..."

current feelings: confused, broke, blessed, happy, depressed, smitten, stressed, worried, misunderstood, blah... life. i guess it's what you make of it, huh? it's been so weird for me lately. One minute i'm this and then the next minute i'm this... i'm just gonna smile and let it be. don't think too hard.

the past few weeks have been filled with surprises. new feelings all over the place. i kinda went into an "omg- i'm about to live by myself for the first time EVER" freakout mode. omg. omg. omg. breathe, whitney. i'm gonna miss that companionship, and being able to have someone to talk to and share things with--- not that that can't be done when i live alone, but ya know? and other new unexpected feelings, which could quite possibly have been a bit too premature. ugh. why must i always wear my heart on my sleeve?... put all of my eggs into one basket? and why in the world am i watching 'The Notebook' by myself at 3 am? probably not the wisest decision i could've made for myself this morning. mehr. but, ohh.. how i love ryan gosseling. he is the epitome of all things sexy and southern gentleman. ♥ don't we all just want that notebook fairytale? if only it were that easy... oh, if only.....
**so, i had a special friend request on fb today that took me to a very familiar place. a place that i miss and think about frequently. was i just young and stupid? was it for the best? i pray that what happens is for the best and i guess it has been. i just want to see you happy, and if you are, then i will respect that and be there for you as your friend. no matter how hard it will be. oh yeah, and did you REALLY answer a text from your ex on our date. red flag? i think so. stop getting ahead of yourself. psssh. giah, how do all of my friends like you already? i guess the same way i like you already, huh? oh, and word to the wise if you are reading this: i genuinely hope that you take my advice. be honest and sincere in your actions, and make the changes permanent, not temporary. or else things could just crash down around you before you know it. and thank you for your advice, and for your ears-- when i had no one else to talk to. well, almost no one else. i have the greatest friends. the best are few and far between, it seems especially for me. oh, the things life throws at you. oh, the things.... sleepy time now. hopefully to have sweet dreams. tomorrow is gonna be a good day, right?

i hope you call.

"and if i could swim.... "

yay. life is good. i love being home and am hesitant to leave. partly bc i met a guy that puts a huge ☺ on my face. and also bc i haven't spent enough time w/ my family. but i also miss my loves in tTown sooooooooooo BIG. do you guys miss me yet?? hope so. so i have had like a thousand people read this thing... shocker. although that's not too many considering i've been at this for a year now, but still. shocker... there really might be other ppl than my mom, barbie, and juju reading this. haha. oh well... i do this for me, not for you guys. but i ♥ you, none-the-less.

♪ worth downloading:

☛ Colin Hay- Overkill (anything by this amazing man for that matter.)
☛ Artery Music- I like you
☛ Holly Williams- Three days in bed

my, my my, it's a beautiful world. i am surrounded by beauty in my day-to-day life and i lurv it. beautiful family, beautiful friends, beautiful scenery. i ☺ pretty much all the time. i just love to smile, smiling is my favorite. and i could watch Elf everyday. be jealous. i'm feeling very lovey today. almost giddy. okay, a bit giddy. who would've thought i'd be crushin' on a younger guy? 21 isn't too bad though but absolutely no younger. it's strange, the chemistry. but i have a crush. ♥ who would've thought? blow off the 6'5"/30 yr old.. and revert to the 5'8"/yr old. oh well, who cares. he makes me smile. and he totally knows this song and this band and that's like uh•may•zing. i really like the fact that he can keep up with me and my social butterfly qualities -they usually turn men off- anyone that can follow me around and never meet a stranger, make me and my friends laugh, and keep up with my social ADD is definitely worth keeping around. hmmm...

i can't wait to live alone. but i will miss you dearly. DEARLY. promise we'll still hang all the time? i just feel like this will be the first step towards a new beginning for me. i'm so scared to graduate. ugh. student loans=the devil. i miss you, too. still. always. thank you for being there for me and for offering your assistance if i needed it, preesh. i envy you. not you- Yes, YOU. you inspire me, greatly. the glow that you have now is so beautiful, i can't wait to witness it face2face. play time. ☺ suh-curity... SUH-curity... won't you be my neighbor? lol. that's gonna be a trip. i don't want to leave you yet. come visit me? 5 more months and i'll be back here. scary. if you knew, would you still love me? pinky promise? I MISS YOUUUUUUUU. i'm going to try, try, try. gonna be better.



Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for miracles. God has blessed me heavily with those. thank you for that. the power of prayer is amazing. p.s. i am going to pray for you, and hope that your faith may be restored. i'm sure most reading this will pray for you, too. lucky you. ✡

Things I ♥:
-shrimp cocktail and garlic-cheddar biscuits
-rumplemints
-paula deen, y'all.
-comfy worn in pjs
-scent o' lil' babies
-first kisses
-big brother
-diet mt. dew
-new mixed cds
-chivalry
-holding hands
-dq
-zefron
-reunions w/ old friends
-LIFE.

"what's an adventure to do, but rest these feet at home with you."

☮"...that's why I'm starting with me..."☮

i love lazy sundays. ☂ they make me happy. and they're oh so peaceful. lurve. i also love Michael Jackson music. love, love. and this song is definitely my favorite. it's so sad that he was so troubled, his music was amazing. i pray for his poor kids. i can't wait to dress up and have our memorial dance party tomorrow night. i'm totally gonna sequin a white glove. we're gonna be startin' something. Definitely gonna beat it, because we're bad and we can't stop til we get enough. ok, that's enough. :)

♫current 'feel good' playistism:
James Morrison- Man in the Mirror
Tegan and Sara- Take me Anywhere
Deelite- Groove is in the Heart
Joel Plaskett- Extraordinary
Michael Jackson- The Way You Make Me Feel
David Guretta ft. Kelly Rowland- When Love Takes Over
Tom Petty- American Girl
EMF- Unbelievable
Dave Matthews Band- You & Me
Black Eyed Peas- Boom Boom Pow
Squeeze- Tempted by the Fruit of Another
Uffie- The Party
Mr. Big- To Be With You
Kings of Leon-Milk
Duffy- Ready for the Floor (Hot Chip Cover)
Better Than Ezra- Juicy
Nikki Costa- Everybody Got Their Something
The Rescues- Break Me Out



I love being back in tuscaloosa.
my friends are a mess.
we have sooooo much fun.
♥loves.

speaking of... i trashed the very last rose today. it seems like it took forever to die. although, it died a long time ago (should've taken that as a hint).... i still kept it. convenient- con·ve·nient. adjective. a: suited to personal comfort or to easy performance (meeting at a convenient time) b: suited to a particular situation (a convenient excuse)c: affording accommodation or advantage (found it convenient to deal with both problems at the same time). ha. no thanks. and on the other hand, i have something new for a change. why do i scare so easily? don't freak out this time. dr.chris gives great advice. i probably should listen. we'll see.

i need a man like michael cera in my life. he's adorable.

"...Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"

you truly are my owen. and it kills me. i wish i could get you out of my mind and stop wasting my tears on you. i know you're certainly not thinking of me. ugh. i just can't get over how cowardly you are acting. how could you tell me what you did and then just vanish? i thought about you all day yesterday and i hated it. i spent my whole memorial day thinking of you. i'm so thankful that you fought for our freedom but i hate what it did to you. ptsd is a serious issue. believe me, I KNOW. i pray for you. i worry about you. i think i love you. but, i'm not going to let this consume me, although it seems as if it already has. get out of my head. leave me alone. please. i've taken some initiative. i officially deleted your number from my phone. step one.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

"because I know there's better things to come...

Although you think I cope,
my head is filled with hope...
of some place other than here.

Although you think I smile,
inside all the while...
I'm wondering about my destiny.

I'm thinking about,
all the things,
I'd like to do in my life.

I'm a dreamer,
a distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope, from today.

Even when you see me frown,
my heart won't let me down,
because I know there's better things to come (Woah Yeah).

And when life gets tough,
I feel I've had enough,
I hold on to a distant star,

I'm thinking about,
all the things,
I'd like to do in my life...

I'm a dreamer,
A distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope from today.

So, I've been thinking. It's been such a stressful past few weeks. All I've been doing is thinking about everything. about life and what i'm gonna do with mine. about how i'm living everyday, and changes i need to make. i really need to freaking grow up. and i thought i was doing a pretty good job... but lemme' tell you. wake-up call. no not, the maroon 5 song, wake-up call like, Whitney what the hell are you doing? you're twenty-three and about to graduate, why don't you act like it? Slap in the face.
I'm awake. and I'm trying hard. It's hard to be hurting, and stressed and have so much on your plate. But i'm gonna keep smiling and keep on keeping on, because I know that there're better things to come!

I've been thinking that after I graduate, I'd like to be a flight attendant. And I've been saying that for a long time now, but never really seriously looked into it... and nana sara called me the other day to tell me she had a great idea, and she said we think we have a perfect job for you to do, and i knew as soon as she said it, yay! So, I'm looking into it. I wanna see the world. I want to travel. I want to do big things with my life! BIG things. And I feel like just sitting here and working some 9-5 job isn't gonna cut it for me. I'm too ADD for that, for sure. It's so weird that they thought of that, though. Because It's always been a dream of mine.

Blah. It's almost time for random thoughts. They're not for you to try and figure out and analyze or judge. They're just random thoughts that I wanna get out. It really helps me to focus and clear my mind. Especially times like now. Have you ever had so much gong on that you feel like you can't catch up? Like no matter what you do you're somehow not succeeding or getting any closer to what you want? Ugh. I hate that. I really don't have that much going on-- just a lot of emotional and mental stress.
I did okay in school this semester, but I could have done so much better. My grades could be soooooo much better. But I just can't focus. This fall--- my last go round-- I'm gonna give it all I've got. I can't wait. I think it'll be good for me to live by myself and really spend a lot of time focusing on graduating and trying to be healthy.
I've got to get in shape, for sure. I feel like a cow. I've lost a few more pounds, but I feel so blah lately. I need to take better care of myself.

And to you: but i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple. who i'm sure will never see this blog. never probably care to look at it. because you've never really cared at all. although, sometimes it felt so complete, it seemed so right. hadn't been thinking like that for a while... why did i let it get the best of me? i've wanted so bad to bump into you lately. soooo bad to see you, and want you to call me and talk to me. just to have you as a friend. i'm not gonna forget the things you said to me. and i let it get me so upset, and let it consume me. it caused me a lot of trouble. and you can't even talk to me now? wow. you're not the person i thought you were and it hurts. we had a great friendship and i know you know it. I know you feel differently than your actions. I saw it in your eyes every time you talked to me. You are a coward and you're just not that into me, obviously. take time to realize... why am i wasting my thoughts on you? ugh.

btw, i applied for the next season of tough love. yes, i really did. I think steve could do some work on my heart and help me a lot. don't judge. Yeah.
So i'm really jaded. i've been praying a lot lately. God is amazing. and i am sooo happy for cc. :jealousy: i wish i had your strength. that's really the kind of lifestyle change i could use right now. and really be healthy. I should eat some flintstones too. for fun. :) i really should be getting ready for work right now but i don't want to. mehr. I have so much to say. i'm crushing on another unattainable man, as well. why do i do this to myself? whitney--stop thinking about finding a man and focus on yourself. why can't i do it? oh yeah- you're really getting on my nerves. really, really. you're not above the law, ma'am. just fyi. and you're attitude is a buzzkill for all of us positive and optimistic people. get over your own stuff and be nice. meditate. pray. please.

work time. maybe back later-- i still have a lot upstairs.

"I can almost see it.."

"...That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
*I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on"

The past few weeks have been intense, to say the least. I've experienced a whirl wind of emotions that nearly brought me to my breaking point, but managed to overcome them all successfully. well, for the most part. I've battled a deadly plague of strep throat-- really, it's of the devil-- and feel better now. thankfully. i've lost friends, and brought them back again; Capital 'F' Friends are few and far between. i've definitely been doing some evaluating and learning the hard way who my true Friends really are.

Am i really the person you make me out to be?
Do i really make everyone feel the way you said I do?
Do all my friends secretly feel the way you said?
i've never been more hurt by words in my life. ever.

i must remember this:
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:27-31

I'm trying. oh, so hard... I'm trying. It's easier said than done when you've been hurt so badly. I think I have done a great job. I don't want to lose you as a friend. If you truly feel the way you said, and truly harbor so much hatred for me, why should I try to remain your friend? but, i have. because i love. because i care more about my relationships with my friends than you give me credit for; you're going to see how false your accusations are, and how differently i am than the image you have created of me. i will forgive you, but first you must apologize. i'm still waiting on that, and i have a feeling i will be forever. we'll see.

it makes me wonder. it brings me down.
i have so much to do this week. so much due. but my mind is overloaded with so many different things. so many different thoughts and feelings.

thoughts spill now:
i pray for you. i worry about you. i am here for you. i love you.
i need a few prayers. am i always gonna have to wonder if they're talking about me? are you going to be honest with me about your feelings? why did i do that again? i always set my self up for disaster and disappointment. my taxes are screwed. making that list was a bad idea. am i going to be able to get everything done and pass? i'm so scared. so stressed. there's beauty in the breakdown. why don't you want to be a part of my life anymore? why do you let her define you and control you? preesh. it's nice to know how you really feel. you don't really care anymore do you? oh, the power of prayer. i need to take my medicine. sleep, sleep should be in my future, but instead i'm wide awake. my heart is a jigsaw puzzle. i don't need you to fix me, but i think we could fix each other. maybe you would've been something i'd be good at? maybe i would've been something you'd be good at?? but now, we'll never know. i screwed up, again. story of my life. remove foot from mouth, then speak. duh. will you be excited if i can? i'm ready to go home. i hope you got my voice mail. i hope you don't think that that's how it's gonna be. i need to be better for my self, before i can be better for everyone else. i know you're thinking about me too, i just know it. i know you think about me when you hear the same songs i hear that me think about you. i just wish you would let me know. why can't you be there? i've been here, always. "i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me." i don't want to be that naive girl anymore. mehr. i want to be the girl that makes you weak when she walks by. who makes your heart do somersaults and your tummy tingle with butterflies. i want to walk in the room and your face light up as you proudly tell everyone: this is the girl i love. oh, wishful thinking. distractions, distractions. i've found the right wrong one. ugh. prayers.

on a brighter note:
i got my color ink done. woo hoo.
i think it's absolutely beautiful and i can't stop staring at it.
it truly makes me happy.
see:

let's make this week meaningful.
gotta get a move on.
be blessed.
peace, ♥, princesses.

chasing pavements... with a circus mind.

Life. Oh, sometimes it laughs in your face. Sometimes things happen that are completely unexpected, and throw you for a whirl wind. sometimes we face tragedy. sometimes we find such laughter and happiness that we can laugh back at life. sometimes we can't. ups and downs make us who we are.

"Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"- Jimi Hendrix

I feel like I may be having trouble reading the signs. I don't know. I think I continue to set myself up for failure. or not failure, rejection. but not really rejection, maybe dissatisfaction. I hate having to think so hard about everything. I wish decisions came more naturally and easily. I wish prayers were answered immediately. I wish for less uncertainty. ugh. time for random blogging thoughts... some for random people.

-i keep waiting for the day that one of you will call me and tell me you're madly in love with me. sitting, waiting, wishing.
-i am jealous of your free spirit.
-i wish i would've gotten to know you better, experienced your excitement for life and good will for others. you are in my thoughts everyday. you made me realize exactly how much we take for granted in life, and opened my eyes to reality. thank you for helping me see.
-i can ride my bike with no handle bars.
-you were right when you said you should just realize what was right in front of you. too bad you were too drunk to remember. and too bad i cant forget.
-i think you are making a huge mistake, but you're far too sensitive now to realize it.
-i worry about you all the time. i keep thinking that things will change and you'll all of a sudden just be different. why do i continue to put myself out there? you're just not that into me.
-i feel like christina and you're owen.
-oh, how i love grey's. it makes me smile.
-i want a chuck bass in my life. why does he have to be my type?? why not nate or dan? ugh. why must i dig assholes?
-finally another outlet.
-i can't wait to see my family again.
-cook me something yummy.
-why are you telephone illiterate?
-again the false affection.
-bickity bam. you are rubber. hence, no games.
-i absolutely have to stop eating like a horse so late. ugh.
-i've been calling and texting you for days, brother dear. wtf?
-research?? that's what i'll call it now.
-i have a ton of school work I should be attending to, RIGHT NOW.
-i have ADD. of the worst kind. diarrhea of the mouth.
-FML.i am too good for you and i know it. story of my life.
-why didn't you call me?
-i need to clean my room.
-i need to finish my resume.
-school these days, you'd have to be a fool these days.
-summer heights high- come back to me!!
-i need to be better.

"who wants to be right as rain? It's better when something's wrong."

New Art:

Anchor- keep me grounded.
Tree- reminder I'm always growing.
Clock- reminder how short and precious our time is.

New art. New life. New attitude.

"Well, she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind,
That's running wild.
Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams
And fairytales,

That's all she ever thinks about ...

Riding with the wind.

When I'm sad, she comes to me
With a thousand smiles
She gives to me free.

It's alright, she says,
It's alright;
Take anything you want from me,
Anything.

Fly on, little wing."

Love remembers.

4:25 a.m. and I've awoken in intense tears. A dream turned nightmare that has been recurrent for several months or so. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since you left last Saturday. and even more so before then. I love you and I miss you so much, you have no idea. "How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you."--- nearly brought me to tears tonight at work. I can't stop thinking about it. Oh, how I pray for full circle. It killed me when you bent down to roll up my jeans for me so they wouldn't get soaked in the rain, and then held my hand walking so I wouldn't fall. I miss our innocence. When you used to make you scratch your back for a whole hour, just so I could watch America's Next Top Model or Queer Eye, or whatever ridiculous reality show I was obsessed with. I miss listening to you go on and on about oil filters or carbon fiber or some stupid scientific crap that I had no interest in, and just smiling at you and loving the fact that you were so incredibly smart. I want you back in my life. Because Love remembers. I miss the little surprises. you making me noodles bc you made them best... driving in your ridiculously loud redneck car bc you love it so much... the look on your face whenever you got excited about something... i need to stop crying and go back to sleep. But Love remembers. Do I need to try to forget? bc I don't want to. I'm gonna give it to God.

"We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

I love my life! I've kinda struggled with that thought lately; I've been uber-stressed. yes, I said uber-stressed. First of all, this "crud" needs to leave me alone! I've had an upper respiratory/sinus infection for the past three weeks, yes 3***! booo, you illness, quit stalking me. kinda makin' me crazy. i just wanna stay in my bed and not leave the house because there are more germs floating around my classroom than DCH. yuck. Next, I have but one thing to say: He's just not that into you. And lemme' tell you, I needed to see that. I loved the movie. Absolutely Lurved it. It made me come to a realization that I have been needing for a long time. If he doesn't call you, he's not into you. "Men don't forget how much they like you, so put down the phone!", Thank you. "If you can find him, then he can find you. and if he wants to find you, he will." Thank you for that one, too. I am far better than that guy, that's for sure. Oh, and him, sir skank is officially out of my life forever. Thank you, Jesus. You have been good to me. I have amazing friends. Crazy, but amazing none-the-less. Thank you for getting me through each day! You are what keeps me from going crazy missing my family. You are my family. Thank you for that.




New year, new me. I'm trying to start all over. Let's try the whole single and lovin' it thing. I just have two more classes after this semester and then i'm done. yay, me! I have so many thoughts for what I want to do when I graduate. ugh. I need to get my resume together for summer internships. AHH!!! No more princess procrastinator. time to get serious. so that means NO Distractions. I'm gonna try to stick to it. I definitely am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. i lurve it. although, i'm getting fat. i hate it. new year, new me-- so let's get's get rid of this flab, ok whit? I want to start going to the rec. i need to start eating better/less. i wish i weren't on this stupid late night-college kid-fast food-ultra carb nutrition nightmare. speaking of nightmares: i'm over this one. this stupid, recurrent, completely messing with my head, taking me places i shouldn't be dream. it's weird, it's a dream and a nightmare at the same time. like my past is haunting me. i'm ready for it to stop. although, i miss him. come pick me up.

"on many occasions i go out into the world and make a complete fool of myself but i always come back, and in the end, i love every minute of it." -- f. scott fitzgerald

"Sleep, it's the easiest thing to do... you just... close your eyes..."

first of all-- Thank you for teaching me all that you did about myself... and about the many horrible people in this world who will mistake your kindness for weakness and take advantage of you, then chew you up and spit you out. It hurt at first, I cried.. I screamed.. and now, I'm laughing. Life is better without you-- parasite-- no car, no hair, no money, no friends, no future, no respect or love for anyone but yourself--- Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me with a break up...
and p.s.-- she's cheating on you. :P

There- I'm done, I can wash my hands of that heinous mistake and move on with my life now.
(but i'd still like my money, please).

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. Slow it down. Make it stop. Or else my heart is going to pop. 'Cause it's too much. Yeah, it's a lot. To be something I'm not. I'm a fool. Out of love. 'Cause I just can't get enough. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. The sun is hot. In the sky. Just like a giant spotlight. The people follow the sign. And synchronize in time. It's a joke. Nobody knows. They've got a ticket to that show. Yeah. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. Just enjoy the show. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. dum de dum. dudum de dum. Just enjoy the show. dum de dum. dudum de dum. Just enjoy the show. I want my money back. I want my money back. I want my money back. Just enjoy the show."

now a bit of random blogging.

This weekend was fun. but a bit dramatic. I'm 23 years old-- I jumped off the HIgh school train about 5 years ago. But I still love you all, none-the-less. Happy Birthday to the BEST LIL' SISTER EVER-- you are such a beautiful person, inside and out, I am so glad you came into my life!!!...
I wish i never would have let you go. (no, not said parasite.) first love. i miss you. and i think about you everyday. I wonder, sometimes, if maybe when i graduate we can be together. I have faith that God will bring you back if he wants to...
purple. my new pink. i think you are absolutely beautiful and you make me smile. and you look great on me. besides, it's still a princess color, right?...
everyday I think God for my many blessings of new friends-- loves-- into my life.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people. Thank you smiling and laughing, and for making me smile and laugh. and making my life better each day. I love you for it. now if only you read my blogs. psssh.. no one does that but my mom...

speaking of-- oh how i can't wait for turkey day. yays. i can't wait to see my family. and my beautiful nieces. and get my hair cut. and see my nieces. and eat, eat, eat. screw weight watchers Thursday. I'm doin it BIG. I come from a family of UH-MAY-ZING chefs. yum. i can't wait to taste my mom's, and my nana's, and my sister's home cooking. :) pass that torch on please....
Can I just say-- "I love to smile, smiling is my favortite!" and "The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing loud for all to hear!!"-- YAYS for the most wonderful time of the year. I have big plans for all my people this year and I can't wait. Christmas movies. Christmas MUSIC. Christmas decorations. Oh. em. gee. LOVES IT! I've already watched Elf-- (3 times)-- Home Alone, A Christmas Story, AND Bad Santa-- and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...
I made a list last week. it made me angry. i'm not okay with the fact that it consumes me and who I am. but i can't change it. i mean, i can but that seems so hard. i don't know what to do...

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” -Jack Kerouak

grey's is my junk. i ♥ it. so, so BIG. it makes me smile. it makes me think about life, my life, and how i'm not alone in the world with all my problems. everyone has problems...
men who have children and don't take care of them really piss me off. how could you live on the other side of a country from your child and not take care of him? how could you allow seven years to pass without trying. try. try harder. he'll resent you one day if you don't...
even though i love the sense of karma, and the news you shared with me made my life-- i still wish you would have told me sooner. but i love you for sharing. better late than never. and thank you for respecting my love and my space and allowing me to learn from my mistakes. preesh. omg. you're dialect is totally rubbing off on me. it's so funny how people in your life can influence you without even knowing...
and now, to you: i'm sorry he hurt you. i'm sorry i hurt you by merely talking to him. he's my friend, you're my friend. and my loyalty is to you because i love you. but that doesn't mean i'm going to stop being friend's with him, and you should not ask me to do that. you should just know how much love and respect I have for you and our friendship and that i would NEVER violate that. ever. i'm not the type...
oh, how i've had so much to say for so long... but a break for now, for i need to attempt sleep. and dream of...

"...But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp-- We want it but we don't know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time isn't so scary because we realize--- we aren't all alone in the dark"

"I wanna go to Hawaii..."

"I want to go to Hawaii,
Build my castle out of sand...
And I won't need anybody telling me that I can't"

I think I've finally accepted it, and if you love me, you have accepted it, as well... I'm pretty much the most emotional human being to ever walk the face of the earth. I come with a twin, but not so much twin, as we were definitely not born on the same day and we definitely are not identical--- my sister. It doesn't seem as if our mom is quite this way... UGH!

I spent an amazingly wonderful Saturday in the comfort of my beautiful family, and although I had planned an eventful, fun-filled evening of my usual debauchery, I enjoyed this one probably more-so than the other. I guess you could say I'm growing up. Although, not as much as I'd like because if I'd have had my favorite person by my side, the night would have been almost as calm, but not quite... i'm just too ADD for my own good.

But anywho.. I spent my Saturday driving a little while, painting faces a bit, and being the object of an adorable five year old's affection, and boy, was it fun! :)
Everyone needs that every once in a while.

AND OH. EM. GEE. Did you see that Alabama game???
Can I just say ROLL TIDE!!!!!!!!!!???????? #2 BAYBAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I freakin love it.
And I cannot wait for my "zone" seats this weekend.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and until then...
Peace, ♥, and Princeses
~WhitneyGirl

"My soul is as open as the sky..."

I found this on a friends blog just now, and I figured it would offer a nice change from the bit melancholy persona my blog may have taken on in it's first posts... also, It may help everyone to learn a little about bit more about little ole' me.

peace, ♥, and princesses. :)
Whitney


Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (no names):
+ I love you.
+ Oh, how I wish you would come visit me.
+ I'm smarter than you think I am.
+ Thank you for teaching me so much about myself.
+ You're better than you give yourself credit for.
+ I miss you terribly.
+ I wish, more than anything, that we could spend more time together.
+ Thank you for each and every laugh we've shared.
+ I'm sorry.
+ You inspire me.

Nine things about yourself:
+ I'm a very messy, unorganized person.
+ I wear my heart on my sleeve.
+ I'm the biggest 23 year old Eagles fan you will EVER meet, Don Henley holds my ♥!
+ I am 7x more emotional than the average female... it's in my blood.
+ I've been blessed with the most amazing, loving, caring, comedic, crazy, dysfunctional family ever, and wouldn't trade them for the world.
+ I'm a sinner saved by grace. God has given me nine lives and I refuse to take this one for granted.
+ I am a princess. (at least, in the eyes of my mom and dad, and my beautiful lil' princess nieces, and that's all that matters.)
+ I worry and over analyze everything until it makes me crazy.
+ My mom is my hero.

Eight ways to win you over:
+ cook for me.
+ sing to me. oh, how I love more than anything to be serenaded.
+ Dance with me in the rain.
+ Hold my hand, kiss me on my forehead/nose, and give me sweet bear hugs.
+ Tell me about your dreams. past, present, and future.
+ Take me on surprise road trips.
+ Spend hours doing nothing with me, being lazy, and vegging out and love it.
+ Treat me like the princess that I am.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:
+ Am I wasting my time?
+ I need to lose weight.
+ Do you miss me?
+ I should be doing something more productive right now.
+ I wish I could learn how to _________(insert something interesting here).
+ I should really clean my room.
+ I miss mom's cooking.

Six things you wish you never did:
+ Acquired the potty mouth that I have
+ Scared/Hurt my family
+ Lost touch with friends
+ Trust as freely
+ Gained weight
+ Lost touch with my faith.

Five turn offs:
+ Arrogance
+ No sense of humor
+ Bad hygiene
+ Selfishness
+ Femininity. be a man already, giah.

Four turn ons:
+ Genuine smile
+ Great smell
+ Great sense of humor
+ Intelligence

Three things you want to do before you die:
+ Play the slots in Vegas
+ Sky dive
+ Get a Europass and travel Europe for a while.

Two smileys that describe you:
+
+

One confession:
+ I am so scared of my future. I don't want to grow up and join the real world.

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

And wow, have my dreams been working overtime.

It's been a little bit since my first post, I have been meaning to sit down and spill everyday, but... life happens. Ya know?


I keep finding myself in this little girl, fairy tale, Disney movie kinda attitude lately.

Every morning I wake up following another random assortment of dreams that always leave me wondering. I find myself in far away places, with people that I haven't seen in ages, or maybe even met just once... dreaming of things and people in my day-to-day life, and wondering the significance... Is that really gonna happen?? It's taken a lot to try to keep myself grounded and 'reality check' every once in a while due to the overflow. But I think I'd have to say I'm doing pretty well. I thought I'd gotten myself in a stand still, but luckily managed to have temporarily worked everything out to the best of my ability. Sometimes I just wish too hard, I think. Especially lately. I wish that everything would just quit going wrong and I could have my perfect little fairy tale. I wish for genuine happiness.. but then again, doesn't everyone?? I wish that I could disable the part of my brain that causes me to overanalyze and worry about EVERYTHING. I wish I could find someone who loves me unconditionally and wants to share their heart and their world with me. I wish I could stand up and do what I said in my first blog... Ugh, I wish.. I wish.. I wish...

I wish I could sit down and finish one complete blog all at once.... (this one has taken over a week.)

It's my birthday today and all I want is for it to be special. I want to feel special and feel like a princess.
I want someone to make my birthday as special as someone else's was.
And instead, I'm depressed and 200 miles away from my family and most of my friends.

mehr.

Channeling my inner Carrie...

With my macbook at my fingertips, and my head and heart full, my inner Carrie Bradshaw is making it's first appearance and I'm making my way into the blog world.  

I've been pondering the idea for a while, but something in my head has been holding me back... every time I've sat down in front of my laptop, I've choked. Not this time... I've got too much on my mind.  I feel like the past few weeks of my life have come straight from the TV (the only channel being the Soap Opera Network, and it's a "Young & the Restless" Marathon). 

Like my mother and my sister, I've always been a giver. Although I've never been able to be as selfless as those two, but I think that will come with motherhood (and that's something that's definitely not in the cards for me anytime soon, so I will just have to deal for a while). I like to do things for other people. I like to make people laugh and smile and will do anything that I can for anyone, that's just me. But these days, I think I need someone here to do that for me for a while. I miss my family so much. I think they would help. I wish I could go home and visit more often, or that they could come here. There are two beautiful little girls there, that hold my heart, and can always bring a smile to my face: my nieces, Emma and Anna.

 Not to discard anyone else (don't be upset, mom.), but they can always make me smile even when all I wanna do is cry or be angry. I need more of them in my life. I need more smiling; less tears, less anger, LESS STRESS.

I've learned so much about myself, though.  Each day has presented a new test: a battle, an experience, decisions to be made, and questions to be answered.. all of which that require more and more thought and energy, and I'm spent. I'm not gonna let it get me down anymore, though. I'm heading into my Senior year with a smile. I'm kicking my feet back, taking in the fresh air, slowing down to smell all the flowers, and breathing deeply. I deserve it.