Sunday, December 5, 2010

"...this love will never fade away..."

"...oh because, you are the BEST thing... that's ever happened to me!"

it's been so long since my last date with my blog. I'm sorry I have been neglecting you... and, oh, what a difference a year makes..

LIFE IS GREAT! I graduated last December, moved back home, worked temporarily for the devil, was unemployed for about 6 months and I thought my life was falling apart... and then I met Marcus Edward Routon.

He is truly the most amazing man I've ever met and has most definitely changed my life for the better. Everyday I fall more and more deeply in love with him. I never knew this kind of love even exist. I really don't think I have ever smiled this much... EVER. I have no doubt I will grow old with this man and be eternally happy.. He really is that wonderful. :) I am the luckiest girl in the whole world... REALLY! Both my best friend and the love of my life, I am very, truly blessed.

And then it seems like everything else has just fallen into place... I got a great job with great pay and benefits as a retail sales representative with Verizon Wireless and started in October.

Thank you dear Lord for answering my prayers and not only blessing me with an amazingly loving and wonderful man, but a great job, as well. I have all I've ever wanted. Life absolutely could not be better. :)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

...i don't know a thing...

wow. it's 4:30 AM and i'm blogging. i can't sleep. i haven't really slept at all since i live alone...

"When it all comes down to it
What’s the use in knowing all the answers
And I can’t breathe with you watching over me
So why don’t we wait and see where we’re going..."

i REALLY don't know. scary. scary. scary. i graduate in exactly 59 days and have NO idea what i am going to do with my life. much like i don't know lots about my life. although, i've recently come to a personal discovery...
yeah, ok... so we all know i dig assholes.. well i finally know why. my whole life i've fought for the attention of a man that was never there.. and never been able to achieve it successfully- thus, i want what i can't have. i'm all ab the chase. thanks for that. i've lost two very promising relationships bc of it... i've struggled FOR-EV-ER with my insecurities and commitment phobias wondering what was going on (thinking something completely different) and i just figured it out. i hate it. i hate the fact that the sanctity of marriage is really BS to me. bc of your 7****... MEHR. I get what I think i want and then I tire of it... why?... but the ones who don't give me what i want-- wow, it's like something i crave. i'm so used to fighting for it. always. at least i figured it out- finally, right? i mean, ugh. i hate it. i hate that you did this to me. but it wasn't only you. but him, too. ugh, i hate him and i loathe the person he made me. ugh. both of you have screwed me up beyond belief and i pray that maybe one day my future husband (if i EVER get married) may accept me for the person i am, despite all of my flaws. but really, who am i kidding? i don't wanna get married anyway... h yeah, and i was supposed to be not thinking about that anymore. but it's been in my nightmares. no bueno. oh well, i'm tryin...

so many confusions.. so little time. it's like every second i turn around there's a new obstacle staring me in the face like "uh huh!?! yeah!!.. i dare you!!" i don't know what to make of it all. who? what? when? where? why? these are all questions to which i have NO answer for. why must i fall for someone who is ab to leave the country for a year? why must i draw myself into men who give 2 craps about me? why must i continuously throw myself out there?? again i will refer back to Gigi... "He's just not that into you" Gigi... "I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care." true story. I care too much. much to my detriment sometimes. all the time. STUPID HEART!! get off my sleeve!!! ugh. right now i think about two people. two moments that have made me feel soooooo special and so beautiful. and then.. sigh... confusion. get over your ego already. i just have to say....
BAhahahahahahahaHA!!!! that made me laugh!!!! :)
and you, come home already. please? or wait?....

"If you were wondering if I want you to, I want you to..."

ok, so over the melancholy soap opera that is my so called life... it has been such a busy past few weeks. kind of. uh-MAY-zing trip home filled with lots of amazing people that i adore... and must i forget not one, but TWO movie quality scenes? i was so shocked. really. speechless. yeah, i know right-- me? speechless? i guess there's a first time for everything. wow. i love surprises. and little sweet things. it's the little things... i had a great Marg/Mickey's night with my girls- although i only got to see two of my fav girls very briefly (☹).. I got to spend time with my boys that I never see.. and doogs, michelle, and Alicia Ann... It was Great. And so much wonderful time with my family. I love getting to spend time w/ each and every one of them-- especially my little ones. they make me smile. I needed that trip. NOW FOR ANOTHER GREAT WEEKEND!!! YAYS!.. this weekend alone-- LAUren's bday playtime-- Kings of Leon show in NashVegas--- Homecoming game against SC (WE'RE #2, BAYBAY!!)-- and then a SURPIRSE!! YAY! I love surprises. and i LOVEEEEEE my fam. hint hint.

i should probably attempt sleep. but i have soooooo much more to say. it's been a month, hell-- "...You aint seen nothing like me yet..."

i know what i want... i think...

"...when it all comes down to it
what’s the use in knowing all the answers
and i can’t breathe with you watching over me
so why don’t we wait and see where we’re going...

on and on but we don’t know where
on and on but we don’t know why
on and on but we don’t know where
where are we going?"

Sunday, September 13, 2009

"I hope it's gonna make you notice... someone like me..."

i got the news today that an amazing and Godly man from my childhood lost his battle to colon cancer this weekend. my heart hurts. you were one of the few members of my church family who never passed judgement on me and always greeted me with a smile, a hug, and a love you when i saw you. your strong faith, kindness, and love will never be forgotten. †

...this weekend was not good to me. some people can be so mean and hurtful and i don't understand why. did i do something to you that i'm unaware of? i've made many mistakes in my day, but i'm a firm believer that only God can judge me. hopefully you'll come to that realization, as well.

i played therapist this weekend for a stranger. someone felt the need to share with him that i had been through something that his girlfriend is battling, at first i was really upset. but i am no longer angry. in a way it was therapy for me, as well. if i can help just one person with my story i don't mind at all. it no longer consumes me. although, rape is no longer a word in my vocabulary. i think my obsession with Law & Order: SVU is a bit therapeutic in a way. the fictional characters of edward stabler and olivia benson make me feel safe. i think i want to volunteer for some sort of organization where I can help other people who have been through/are going through what i did. it will help. i have faith.
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." (Psalm 71:20)
i want to be better for everyone that i love and that loves me. i am going to be better. :)

it's amazing how someone you hold so close to your heart can hurt you with just a few words. i would never want to hurt you like that. but i love you, none-the-less. i forgive you for what you said... i love how little caesar's can satisfy my pizza craving for under $6. being broke sucks. and being jobless sucks. pray that i get a job soon. i've been praying hard for that, among other things. prayer works. for example: i prayed forever that you would understand the error of your ways and want to apologize and make it up to me, and you recently have. after a whole summer of tears and wasted thoughts- you finally came around. once. you said some nice things. and then disappeared again?

p.s. i loved when you whispered your song in my ear. it made my night. i miss you already. ♥

♪"i've been roamin' around always looking down at all i see..."♪

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

" goes like this: the fourth, the fifth; the minor falls and the major lifts..."

Oh, how things can change in a month. New apartment. new semester. new feelings of anxiety and stress. new job? no. ☹ i've been here for a month and i've been a lazy, depressing bum. lame? yes, i know. But, that will be no longer. I'm definitely over feeling this whole living alone thing, and it's getting to me. but i'm gonna make it. I just keep telling myself-- three and a half months and I'll be walking across the stage of the coliseum shaking Dr. Whitt's hand to receive my diploma! WOOHOO! RTR!!! so, no more funk. "aint about how i fast i get there, aint about what's waiting on the other side...."

Speaking of RTR, 3 more days and the madness begins again! ALABAMA FOOTBALL, Baybay! B-A-M-A, Bama all the way! I simply love everything about football season. ♥The fall, the big bad wolves, the tailgates, the drunken bama fans (can be pretty high quality entertainment! lol)and did i mention this man? loooooooove him. he's kind of a big deal and he's gonna lead us on another winning streak. what i way to spend my last semester, huh? oh, the excitement. can't wait for this weekend and my upcoming trip to ATL for the first game of what I know will be an amazing season! Me and my caiter boo are taking a road trip. eeeks! I'm stoked. now i just gotta work on the fundage situation. hmmm... I heard people are selling their kidney's on the black market?? ideassssss. not. i just need to get a job, for sure. operation job hunt resumes tomorrow. nooooo fun. that is IF i can ever go to sleep. it's 5:58am and i'm still kicking... i've had the worst insomnia lately. too much on my mind.
let's see...

"You were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
It seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
What is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
Maybe it's your awesome songs"♫
((kimya dawson-my rollercoaster)

I'm sad your leaving. ♘it feels so permanent. but it's not like it matters anyway. i ♥ it when you sing. is that cheesy? you make my heart smile for now. then when you leave and he tells me all of your craziness it takes the smile away. we've had so many good talks, i only hope you remember? you do have a heart, right? i promise to cry at the airport for you when you finally actually do leave. and you won't even have to ask. please keep in touch. ugh. it just won't work for me. everytime i think something is new and exciting it fades away. i'm just gonna quit trying and let whatever be, be. and YOU--- how could you be such a kid? omg. i mean, i can't say i'm surprised. but ugh. i was so excited for possibilities. you got scared didn't you?i think it's funny. and you called. is this a new beginning? i'm so happy that you got the help that you needed and have turned your life around for what seems to be the better. prayer works. ☺ i'm happy, if you're happy. will you please call again? all at once it hits. oh yeah, stop trying. duh.

birthdays. make me happy. thank you to all of those who made mine amazing! i love you all. i'm officially one year away from being a quarter of a century old! ahh! i love it. i'm aging gracefully, i guess. who cares, 30 is the new twenty, right? it'll be fun! and to the officer who gave me a speeding ticket on my birthday- pbbbbbtttt!!((imagine me sticking my tongue out at you!) ha. i miss my huntsville boos. kinda makes me wonder if i would've stayed would that have made things any different? hmm...
just a few more pixies for y'all...

.:my bday:.

.:Caiter's bday:.

i need to attempt a few hours of sleep.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

"Do you think in aother life I could've been a bird?..."

current feelings: confused, broke, blessed, happy, depressed, smitten, stressed, worried, misunderstood, blah... life. i guess it's what you make of it, huh? it's been so weird for me lately. One minute i'm this and then the next minute i'm this... i'm just gonna smile and let it be. don't think too hard.

the past few weeks have been filled with surprises. new feelings all over the place. i kinda went into an "omg- i'm about to live by myself for the first time EVER" freakout mode. omg. omg. omg. breathe, whitney. i'm gonna miss that companionship, and being able to have someone to talk to and share things with--- not that that can't be done when i live alone, but ya know? and other new unexpected feelings, which could quite possibly have been a bit too premature. ugh. why must i always wear my heart on my sleeve?... put all of my eggs into one basket? and why in the world am i watching 'The Notebook' by myself at 3 am? probably not the wisest decision i could've made for myself this morning. mehr. but, ohh.. how i love ryan gosseling. he is the epitome of all things sexy and southern gentleman. ♥ don't we all just want that notebook fairytale? if only it were that easy... oh, if only.....
**so, i had a special friend request on fb today that took me to a very familiar place. a place that i miss and think about frequently. was i just young and stupid? was it for the best? i pray that what happens is for the best and i guess it has been. i just want to see you happy, and if you are, then i will respect that and be there for you as your friend. no matter how hard it will be. oh yeah, and did you REALLY answer a text from your ex on our date. red flag? i think so. stop getting ahead of yourself. psssh. giah, how do all of my friends like you already? i guess the same way i like you already, huh? oh, and word to the wise if you are reading this: i genuinely hope that you take my advice. be honest and sincere in your actions, and make the changes permanent, not temporary. or else things could just crash down around you before you know it. and thank you for your advice, and for your ears-- when i had no one else to talk to. well, almost no one else. i have the greatest friends. the best are few and far between, it seems especially for me. oh, the things life throws at you. oh, the things.... sleepy time now. hopefully to have sweet dreams. tomorrow is gonna be a good day, right?

i hope you call.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

"and if i could swim.... "

yay. life is good. i love being home and am hesitant to leave. partly bc i met a guy that puts a huge ☺ on my face. and also bc i haven't spent enough time w/ my family. but i also miss my loves in tTown sooooooooooo BIG. do you guys miss me yet?? hope so. so i have had like a thousand people read this thing... shocker. although that's not too many considering i've been at this for a year now, but still. shocker... there really might be other ppl than my mom, barbie, and juju reading this. haha. oh well... i do this for me, not for you guys. but i ♥ you, none-the-less.

worth downloading:

☛ Colin Hay- Overkill (anything by this amazing man for that matter.)
☛ Artery Music- I like you
☛ Holly Williams- Three days in bed

my, my my, it's a beautiful world. i am surrounded by beauty in my day-to-day life and i lurv it. beautiful family, beautiful friends, beautiful scenery. i ☺ pretty much all the time. i just love to smile, smiling is my favorite. and i could watch Elf everyday. be jealous. i'm feeling very lovey today. almost giddy. okay, a bit giddy. who would've thought i'd be crushin' on a younger guy? 21 isn't too bad though but absolutely no younger. it's strange, the chemistry. but i have a crush. ♥ who would've thought? blow off the 6'5"/30 yr old.. and revert to the 5'8"/yr old. oh well, who cares. he makes me smile. and he totally knows this song and this band and that's like uh•may•zing. i really like the fact that he can keep up with me and my social butterfly qualities -they usually turn men off- anyone that can follow me around and never meet a stranger, make me and my friends laugh, and keep up with my social ADD is definitely worth keeping around. hmmm...

i can't wait to live alone. but i will miss you dearly. DEARLY. promise we'll still hang all the time? i just feel like this will be the first step towards a new beginning for me. i'm so scared to graduate. ugh. student loans=the devil. i miss you, too. still. always. thank you for being there for me and for offering your assistance if i needed it, preesh. i envy you. not you- Yes, YOU. you inspire me, greatly. the glow that you have now is so beautiful, i can't wait to witness it face2face. play time. ☺ suh-curity... SUH-curity... won't you be my neighbor? lol. that's gonna be a trip. i don't want to leave you yet. come visit me? 5 more months and i'll be back here. scary. if you knew, would you still love me? pinky promise? I MISS YOUUUUUUUU. i'm going to try, try, try. gonna be better.

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for miracles. God has blessed me heavily with those. thank you for that. the power of prayer is amazing. p.s. i am going to pray for you, and hope that your faith may be restored. i'm sure most reading this will pray for you, too. lucky you. ✡

Things I ♥:
-shrimp cocktail and garlic-cheddar biscuits
-paula deen, y'all.
-comfy worn in pjs
-scent o' lil' babies
-first kisses
-big brother
-diet mt. dew
-new mixed cds
-holding hands
-reunions w/ old friends

"what's an adventure to do, but rest these feet at home with you."