...i don't know a thing...

wow. it's 4:30 AM and i'm blogging. i can't sleep. i haven't really slept at all since i live alone...

"When it all comes down to it
What’s the use in knowing all the answers
And I can’t breathe with you watching over me
So why don’t we wait and see where we’re going..."


i REALLY don't know. scary. scary. scary. i graduate in exactly 59 days and have NO idea what i am going to do with my life. much like i don't know lots about my life. although, i've recently come to a personal discovery...
yeah, ok... so we all know i dig assholes.. well i finally know why. my whole life i've fought for the attention of a man that was never there.. and never been able to achieve it successfully- thus, i want what i can't have. i'm all ab the chase. thanks for that. i've lost two very promising relationships bc of it... i've struggled FOR-EV-ER with my insecurities and commitment phobias wondering what was going on (thinking something completely different) and i just figured it out. i hate it. i hate the fact that the sanctity of marriage is really BS to me. bc of your 7****... MEHR. I get what I think i want and then I tire of it... why?... but the ones who don't give me what i want-- wow, it's like something i crave. i'm so used to fighting for it. always. at least i figured it out- finally, right? i mean, ugh. i hate it. i hate that you did this to me. but it wasn't only you. but him, too. ugh, i hate him and i loathe the person he made me. ugh. both of you have screwed me up beyond belief and i pray that maybe one day my future husband (if i EVER get married) may accept me for the person i am, despite all of my flaws. but really, who am i kidding? i don't wanna get married anyway... h yeah, and i was supposed to be not thinking about that anymore. but it's been in my nightmares. no bueno. oh well, i'm tryin...

so many confusions.. so little time. it's like every second i turn around there's a new obstacle staring me in the face like "uh huh!?! yeah!!.. i dare you!!" i don't know what to make of it all. who? what? when? where? why? these are all questions to which i have NO answer for. why must i fall for someone who is ab to leave the country for a year? why must i draw myself into men who give 2 craps about me? why must i continuously throw myself out there?? again i will refer back to Gigi... "He's just not that into you" Gigi... "I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care." true story. I care too much. much to my detriment sometimes. all the time. STUPID HEART!! get off my sleeve!!! ugh. right now i think about two people. two moments that have made me feel soooooo special and so beautiful. and then.. sigh... confusion. get over your ego already. i just have to say....

BAhahahahahahahaHA!!!! that made me laugh!!!! :)

and you, come home already. please? or wait?....

"If you were wondering if I want you to, I want you to..."

ok, so over the melancholy soap opera that is my so called life... it has been such a busy past few weeks. kind of. uh-MAY-zing trip home filled with lots of amazing people that i adore... and must i forget not one, but TWO movie quality scenes? i was so shocked. really. speechless. yeah, i know right-- me? speechless? i guess there's a first time for everything. wow. i love surprises. and little sweet things. it's the little things... i had a great Marg/Mickey's night with my girls- although i only got to see two of my fav girls very briefly (☹).. I got to spend time with my boys that I never see.. and doogs, michelle, and Alicia Ann... It was Great. And so much wonderful time with my family. I love getting to spend time w/ each and every one of them-- especially my little ones. they make me smile. I needed that trip. NOW FOR ANOTHER GREAT WEEKEND!!! YAYS!.. this weekend alone-- LAUren's bday playtime-- Kings of Leon show in NashVegas--- Homecoming game against SC (WE'RE #2, BAYBAY!!)-- and then a SURPIRSE!! YAY! I love surprises. and i LOVEEEEEE my fam. hint hint.

i should probably attempt sleep. but i have soooooo much more to say. it's been a month, hell-- "...You aint seen nothing like me yet..."

i know what i want... i think...

"...when it all comes down to it
what’s the use in knowing all the answers
and i can’t breathe with you watching over me
so why don’t we wait and see where we’re going...

on and on but we don’t know where
on and on but we don’t know why
on and on but we don’t know where
where are we going?"