Sunday, September 13, 2009

"I hope it's gonna make you notice... someone like me..."

i got the news today that an amazing and Godly man from my childhood lost his battle to colon cancer this weekend. my heart hurts. you were one of the few members of my church family who never passed judgement on me and always greeted me with a smile, a hug, and a love you when i saw you. your strong faith, kindness, and love will never be forgotten. †

...this weekend was not good to me. some people can be so mean and hurtful and i don't understand why. did i do something to you that i'm unaware of? i've made many mistakes in my day, but i'm a firm believer that only God can judge me. hopefully you'll come to that realization, as well.

i played therapist this weekend for a stranger. someone felt the need to share with him that i had been through something that his girlfriend is battling, at first i was really upset. but i am no longer angry. in a way it was therapy for me, as well. if i can help just one person with my story i don't mind at all. it no longer consumes me. although, rape is no longer a word in my vocabulary. i think my obsession with Law & Order: SVU is a bit therapeutic in a way. the fictional characters of edward stabler and olivia benson make me feel safe. i think i want to volunteer for some sort of organization where I can help other people who have been through/are going through what i did. it will help. i have faith.
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." (Psalm 71:20)
i want to be better for everyone that i love and that loves me. i am going to be better. :)

it's amazing how someone you hold so close to your heart can hurt you with just a few words. i would never want to hurt you like that. but i love you, none-the-less. i forgive you for what you said... i love how little caesar's can satisfy my pizza craving for under $6. being broke sucks. and being jobless sucks. pray that i get a job soon. i've been praying hard for that, among other things. prayer works. for example: i prayed forever that you would understand the error of your ways and want to apologize and make it up to me, and you recently have. after a whole summer of tears and wasted thoughts- you finally came around. once. you said some nice things. and then disappeared again?

p.s. i loved when you whispered your song in my ear. it made my night. i miss you already. ♥

♪"i've been roamin' around always looking down at all i see..."♪

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

" goes like this: the fourth, the fifth; the minor falls and the major lifts..."

Oh, how things can change in a month. New apartment. new semester. new feelings of anxiety and stress. new job? no. ☹ i've been here for a month and i've been a lazy, depressing bum. lame? yes, i know. But, that will be no longer. I'm definitely over feeling this whole living alone thing, and it's getting to me. but i'm gonna make it. I just keep telling myself-- three and a half months and I'll be walking across the stage of the coliseum shaking Dr. Whitt's hand to receive my diploma! WOOHOO! RTR!!! so, no more funk. "aint about how i fast i get there, aint about what's waiting on the other side...."

Speaking of RTR, 3 more days and the madness begins again! ALABAMA FOOTBALL, Baybay! B-A-M-A, Bama all the way! I simply love everything about football season. ♥The fall, the big bad wolves, the tailgates, the drunken bama fans (can be pretty high quality entertainment! lol)and did i mention this man? loooooooove him. he's kind of a big deal and he's gonna lead us on another winning streak. what i way to spend my last semester, huh? oh, the excitement. can't wait for this weekend and my upcoming trip to ATL for the first game of what I know will be an amazing season! Me and my caiter boo are taking a road trip. eeeks! I'm stoked. now i just gotta work on the fundage situation. hmmm... I heard people are selling their kidney's on the black market?? ideassssss. not. i just need to get a job, for sure. operation job hunt resumes tomorrow. nooooo fun. that is IF i can ever go to sleep. it's 5:58am and i'm still kicking... i've had the worst insomnia lately. too much on my mind.
let's see...

"You were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
It seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
What is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
Maybe it's your awesome songs"♫
((kimya dawson-my rollercoaster)

I'm sad your leaving. ♘it feels so permanent. but it's not like it matters anyway. i ♥ it when you sing. is that cheesy? you make my heart smile for now. then when you leave and he tells me all of your craziness it takes the smile away. we've had so many good talks, i only hope you remember? you do have a heart, right? i promise to cry at the airport for you when you finally actually do leave. and you won't even have to ask. please keep in touch. ugh. it just won't work for me. everytime i think something is new and exciting it fades away. i'm just gonna quit trying and let whatever be, be. and YOU--- how could you be such a kid? omg. i mean, i can't say i'm surprised. but ugh. i was so excited for possibilities. you got scared didn't you?i think it's funny. and you called. is this a new beginning? i'm so happy that you got the help that you needed and have turned your life around for what seems to be the better. prayer works. ☺ i'm happy, if you're happy. will you please call again? all at once it hits. oh yeah, stop trying. duh.

birthdays. make me happy. thank you to all of those who made mine amazing! i love you all. i'm officially one year away from being a quarter of a century old! ahh! i love it. i'm aging gracefully, i guess. who cares, 30 is the new twenty, right? it'll be fun! and to the officer who gave me a speeding ticket on my birthday- pbbbbbtttt!!((imagine me sticking my tongue out at you!) ha. i miss my huntsville boos. kinda makes me wonder if i would've stayed would that have made things any different? hmm...
just a few more pixies for y'all...

.:my bday:.

.:Caiter's bday:.

i need to attempt a few hours of sleep.