"Sleep, it's the easiest thing to do... you just... close your eyes..."

first of all-- Thank you for teaching me all that you did about myself... and about the many horrible people in this world who will mistake your kindness for weakness and take advantage of you, then chew you up and spit you out. It hurt at first, I cried.. I screamed.. and now, I'm laughing. Life is better without you-- parasite-- no car, no hair, no money, no friends, no future, no respect or love for anyone but yourself--- Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me with a break up...
and p.s.-- she's cheating on you. :P

There- I'm done, I can wash my hands of that heinous mistake and move on with my life now.
(but i'd still like my money, please).

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. Slow it down. Make it stop. Or else my heart is going to pop. 'Cause it's too much. Yeah, it's a lot. To be something I'm not. I'm a fool. Out of love. 'Cause I just can't get enough. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. The sun is hot. In the sky. Just like a giant spotlight. The people follow the sign. And synchronize in time. It's a joke. Nobody knows. They've got a ticket to that show. Yeah. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. Just enjoy the show. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. dum de dum. dudum de dum. Just enjoy the show. dum de dum. dudum de dum. Just enjoy the show. I want my money back. I want my money back. I want my money back. Just enjoy the show."

now a bit of random blogging.

This weekend was fun. but a bit dramatic. I'm 23 years old-- I jumped off the HIgh school train about 5 years ago. But I still love you all, none-the-less. Happy Birthday to the BEST LIL' SISTER EVER-- you are such a beautiful person, inside and out, I am so glad you came into my life!!!...
I wish i never would have let you go. (no, not said parasite.) first love. i miss you. and i think about you everyday. I wonder, sometimes, if maybe when i graduate we can be together. I have faith that God will bring you back if he wants to...
purple. my new pink. i think you are absolutely beautiful and you make me smile. and you look great on me. besides, it's still a princess color, right?...
everyday I think God for my many blessings of new friends-- loves-- into my life.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people. Thank you smiling and laughing, and for making me smile and laugh. and making my life better each day. I love you for it. now if only you read my blogs. psssh.. no one does that but my mom...

speaking of-- oh how i can't wait for turkey day. yays. i can't wait to see my family. and my beautiful nieces. and get my hair cut. and see my nieces. and eat, eat, eat. screw weight watchers Thursday. I'm doin it BIG. I come from a family of UH-MAY-ZING chefs. yum. i can't wait to taste my mom's, and my nana's, and my sister's home cooking. :) pass that torch on please....
Can I just say-- "I love to smile, smiling is my favortite!" and "The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing loud for all to hear!!"-- YAYS for the most wonderful time of the year. I have big plans for all my people this year and I can't wait. Christmas movies. Christmas MUSIC. Christmas decorations. Oh. em. gee. LOVES IT! I've already watched Elf-- (3 times)-- Home Alone, A Christmas Story, AND Bad Santa-- and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...
I made a list last week. it made me angry. i'm not okay with the fact that it consumes me and who I am. but i can't change it. i mean, i can but that seems so hard. i don't know what to do...

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” -Jack Kerouak

grey's is my junk. i ♥ it. so, so BIG. it makes me smile. it makes me think about life, my life, and how i'm not alone in the world with all my problems. everyone has problems...
men who have children and don't take care of them really piss me off. how could you live on the other side of a country from your child and not take care of him? how could you allow seven years to pass without trying. try. try harder. he'll resent you one day if you don't...
even though i love the sense of karma, and the news you shared with me made my life-- i still wish you would have told me sooner. but i love you for sharing. better late than never. and thank you for respecting my love and my space and allowing me to learn from my mistakes. preesh. omg. you're dialect is totally rubbing off on me. it's so funny how people in your life can influence you without even knowing...
and now, to you: i'm sorry he hurt you. i'm sorry i hurt you by merely talking to him. he's my friend, you're my friend. and my loyalty is to you because i love you. but that doesn't mean i'm going to stop being friend's with him, and you should not ask me to do that. you should just know how much love and respect I have for you and our friendship and that i would NEVER violate that. ever. i'm not the type...
oh, how i've had so much to say for so long... but a break for now, for i need to attempt sleep. and dream of...

"...But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp-- We want it but we don't know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time isn't so scary because we realize--- we aren't all alone in the dark"