Sunday, September 13, 2009

"I hope it's gonna make you notice... someone like me..."

i got the news today that an amazing and Godly man from my childhood lost his battle to colon cancer this weekend. my heart hurts. you were one of the few members of my church family who never passed judgement on me and always greeted me with a smile, a hug, and a love you when i saw you. your strong faith, kindness, and love will never be forgotten. †

...this weekend was not good to me. some people can be so mean and hurtful and i don't understand why. did i do something to you that i'm unaware of? i've made many mistakes in my day, but i'm a firm believer that only God can judge me. hopefully you'll come to that realization, as well.

i played therapist this weekend for a stranger. someone felt the need to share with him that i had been through something that his girlfriend is battling, at first i was really upset. but i am no longer angry. in a way it was therapy for me, as well. if i can help just one person with my story i don't mind at all. it no longer consumes me. although, rape is no longer a word in my vocabulary. i think my obsession with Law & Order: SVU is a bit therapeutic in a way. the fictional characters of edward stabler and olivia benson make me feel safe. i think i want to volunteer for some sort of organization where I can help other people who have been through/are going through what i did. it will help. i have faith.
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." (Psalm 71:20)
i want to be better for everyone that i love and that loves me. i am going to be better. :)

it's amazing how someone you hold so close to your heart can hurt you with just a few words. i would never want to hurt you like that. but i love you, none-the-less. i forgive you for what you said... i love how little caesar's can satisfy my pizza craving for under $6. being broke sucks. and being jobless sucks. pray that i get a job soon. i've been praying hard for that, among other things. prayer works. for example: i prayed forever that you would understand the error of your ways and want to apologize and make it up to me, and you recently have. after a whole summer of tears and wasted thoughts- you finally came around. once. you said some nice things. and then disappeared again?

p.s. i loved when you whispered your song in my ear. it made my night. i miss you already. ♥

♪"i've been roamin' around always looking down at all i see..."♪

1 comment:

Lorie said...

I love you and I'm proud of you! I always thought when you were ready you would be a good advocate for the cause. Just think baby darling you have 87 days from today before you walk across that stage.Then the world is your arena to start life and YOU will be successful at anything you do.You have so many gifts you will have to make a choice of which ones to use and what priorities you have.Start today to live the life you want not the one you have, and the one you have will become the one you wanted!!!!We only have one, and boy do I FEEL IT THIS WEEK , because we've lost Scott. I loved him, respected him and am thankful for his example.
God is working in my life and I am recomitted!!
See ya Friday~I'm so excited!!!!