"...Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"

you truly are my owen. and it kills me. i wish i could get you out of my mind and stop wasting my tears on you. i know you're certainly not thinking of me. ugh. i just can't get over how cowardly you are acting. how could you tell me what you did and then just vanish? i thought about you all day yesterday and i hated it. i spent my whole memorial day thinking of you. i'm so thankful that you fought for our freedom but i hate what it did to you. ptsd is a serious issue. believe me, I KNOW. i pray for you. i worry about you. i think i love you. but, i'm not going to let this consume me, although it seems as if it already has. get out of my head. leave me alone. please. i've taken some initiative. i officially deleted your number from my phone. step one.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

"because I know there's better things to come...

Although you think I cope,
my head is filled with hope...
of some place other than here.

Although you think I smile,
inside all the while...
I'm wondering about my destiny.

I'm thinking about,
all the things,
I'd like to do in my life.

I'm a dreamer,
a distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope, from today.

Even when you see me frown,
my heart won't let me down,
because I know there's better things to come (Woah Yeah).

And when life gets tough,
I feel I've had enough,
I hold on to a distant star,

I'm thinking about,
all the things,
I'd like to do in my life...

I'm a dreamer,
A distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope from today.

So, I've been thinking. It's been such a stressful past few weeks. All I've been doing is thinking about everything. about life and what i'm gonna do with mine. about how i'm living everyday, and changes i need to make. i really need to freaking grow up. and i thought i was doing a pretty good job... but lemme' tell you. wake-up call. no not, the maroon 5 song, wake-up call like, Whitney what the hell are you doing? you're twenty-three and about to graduate, why don't you act like it? Slap in the face.
I'm awake. and I'm trying hard. It's hard to be hurting, and stressed and have so much on your plate. But i'm gonna keep smiling and keep on keeping on, because I know that there're better things to come!

I've been thinking that after I graduate, I'd like to be a flight attendant. And I've been saying that for a long time now, but never really seriously looked into it... and nana sara called me the other day to tell me she had a great idea, and she said we think we have a perfect job for you to do, and i knew as soon as she said it, yay! So, I'm looking into it. I wanna see the world. I want to travel. I want to do big things with my life! BIG things. And I feel like just sitting here and working some 9-5 job isn't gonna cut it for me. I'm too ADD for that, for sure. It's so weird that they thought of that, though. Because It's always been a dream of mine.

Blah. It's almost time for random thoughts. They're not for you to try and figure out and analyze or judge. They're just random thoughts that I wanna get out. It really helps me to focus and clear my mind. Especially times like now. Have you ever had so much gong on that you feel like you can't catch up? Like no matter what you do you're somehow not succeeding or getting any closer to what you want? Ugh. I hate that. I really don't have that much going on-- just a lot of emotional and mental stress.
I did okay in school this semester, but I could have done so much better. My grades could be soooooo much better. But I just can't focus. This fall--- my last go round-- I'm gonna give it all I've got. I can't wait. I think it'll be good for me to live by myself and really spend a lot of time focusing on graduating and trying to be healthy.
I've got to get in shape, for sure. I feel like a cow. I've lost a few more pounds, but I feel so blah lately. I need to take better care of myself.

And to you: but i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple. who i'm sure will never see this blog. never probably care to look at it. because you've never really cared at all. although, sometimes it felt so complete, it seemed so right. hadn't been thinking like that for a while... why did i let it get the best of me? i've wanted so bad to bump into you lately. soooo bad to see you, and want you to call me and talk to me. just to have you as a friend. i'm not gonna forget the things you said to me. and i let it get me so upset, and let it consume me. it caused me a lot of trouble. and you can't even talk to me now? wow. you're not the person i thought you were and it hurts. we had a great friendship and i know you know it. I know you feel differently than your actions. I saw it in your eyes every time you talked to me. You are a coward and you're just not that into me, obviously. take time to realize... why am i wasting my thoughts on you? ugh.

btw, i applied for the next season of tough love. yes, i really did. I think steve could do some work on my heart and help me a lot. don't judge. Yeah.
So i'm really jaded. i've been praying a lot lately. God is amazing. and i am sooo happy for cc. :jealousy: i wish i had your strength. that's really the kind of lifestyle change i could use right now. and really be healthy. I should eat some flintstones too. for fun. :) i really should be getting ready for work right now but i don't want to. mehr. I have so much to say. i'm crushing on another unattainable man, as well. why do i do this to myself? whitney--stop thinking about finding a man and focus on yourself. why can't i do it? oh yeah- you're really getting on my nerves. really, really. you're not above the law, ma'am. just fyi. and you're attitude is a buzzkill for all of us positive and optimistic people. get over your own stuff and be nice. meditate. pray. please.

work time. maybe back later-- i still have a lot upstairs.

"I can almost see it.."

"...That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
*I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on"

The past few weeks have been intense, to say the least. I've experienced a whirl wind of emotions that nearly brought me to my breaking point, but managed to overcome them all successfully. well, for the most part. I've battled a deadly plague of strep throat-- really, it's of the devil-- and feel better now. thankfully. i've lost friends, and brought them back again; Capital 'F' Friends are few and far between. i've definitely been doing some evaluating and learning the hard way who my true Friends really are.

Am i really the person you make me out to be?
Do i really make everyone feel the way you said I do?
Do all my friends secretly feel the way you said?
i've never been more hurt by words in my life. ever.

i must remember this:
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:27-31

I'm trying. oh, so hard... I'm trying. It's easier said than done when you've been hurt so badly. I think I have done a great job. I don't want to lose you as a friend. If you truly feel the way you said, and truly harbor so much hatred for me, why should I try to remain your friend? but, i have. because i love. because i care more about my relationships with my friends than you give me credit for; you're going to see how false your accusations are, and how differently i am than the image you have created of me. i will forgive you, but first you must apologize. i'm still waiting on that, and i have a feeling i will be forever. we'll see.

it makes me wonder. it brings me down.
i have so much to do this week. so much due. but my mind is overloaded with so many different things. so many different thoughts and feelings.

thoughts spill now:
i pray for you. i worry about you. i am here for you. i love you.
i need a few prayers. am i always gonna have to wonder if they're talking about me? are you going to be honest with me about your feelings? why did i do that again? i always set my self up for disaster and disappointment. my taxes are screwed. making that list was a bad idea. am i going to be able to get everything done and pass? i'm so scared. so stressed. there's beauty in the breakdown. why don't you want to be a part of my life anymore? why do you let her define you and control you? preesh. it's nice to know how you really feel. you don't really care anymore do you? oh, the power of prayer. i need to take my medicine. sleep, sleep should be in my future, but instead i'm wide awake. my heart is a jigsaw puzzle. i don't need you to fix me, but i think we could fix each other. maybe you would've been something i'd be good at? maybe i would've been something you'd be good at?? but now, we'll never know. i screwed up, again. story of my life. remove foot from mouth, then speak. duh. will you be excited if i can? i'm ready to go home. i hope you got my voice mail. i hope you don't think that that's how it's gonna be. i need to be better for my self, before i can be better for everyone else. i know you're thinking about me too, i just know it. i know you think about me when you hear the same songs i hear that me think about you. i just wish you would let me know. why can't you be there? i've been here, always. "i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me." i don't want to be that naive girl anymore. mehr. i want to be the girl that makes you weak when she walks by. who makes your heart do somersaults and your tummy tingle with butterflies. i want to walk in the room and your face light up as you proudly tell everyone: this is the girl i love. oh, wishful thinking. distractions, distractions. i've found the right wrong one. ugh. prayers.

on a brighter note:
i got my color ink done. woo hoo.
i think it's absolutely beautiful and i can't stop staring at it.
it truly makes me happy.
see:

let's make this week meaningful.
gotta get a move on.
be blessed.
peace, ♥, princesses.

chasing pavements... with a circus mind.

Life. Oh, sometimes it laughs in your face. Sometimes things happen that are completely unexpected, and throw you for a whirl wind. sometimes we face tragedy. sometimes we find such laughter and happiness that we can laugh back at life. sometimes we can't. ups and downs make us who we are.

"Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"- Jimi Hendrix

I feel like I may be having trouble reading the signs. I don't know. I think I continue to set myself up for failure. or not failure, rejection. but not really rejection, maybe dissatisfaction. I hate having to think so hard about everything. I wish decisions came more naturally and easily. I wish prayers were answered immediately. I wish for less uncertainty. ugh. time for random blogging thoughts... some for random people.

-i keep waiting for the day that one of you will call me and tell me you're madly in love with me. sitting, waiting, wishing.
-i am jealous of your free spirit.
-i wish i would've gotten to know you better, experienced your excitement for life and good will for others. you are in my thoughts everyday. you made me realize exactly how much we take for granted in life, and opened my eyes to reality. thank you for helping me see.
-i can ride my bike with no handle bars.
-you were right when you said you should just realize what was right in front of you. too bad you were too drunk to remember. and too bad i cant forget.
-i think you are making a huge mistake, but you're far too sensitive now to realize it.
-i worry about you all the time. i keep thinking that things will change and you'll all of a sudden just be different. why do i continue to put myself out there? you're just not that into me.
-i feel like christina and you're owen.
-oh, how i love grey's. it makes me smile.
-i want a chuck bass in my life. why does he have to be my type?? why not nate or dan? ugh. why must i dig assholes?
-finally another outlet.
-i can't wait to see my family again.
-cook me something yummy.
-why are you telephone illiterate?
-again the false affection.
-bickity bam. you are rubber. hence, no games.
-i absolutely have to stop eating like a horse so late. ugh.
-i've been calling and texting you for days, brother dear. wtf?
-research?? that's what i'll call it now.
-i have a ton of school work I should be attending to, RIGHT NOW.
-i have ADD. of the worst kind. diarrhea of the mouth.
-FML.i am too good for you and i know it. story of my life.
-why didn't you call me?
-i need to clean my room.
-i need to finish my resume.
-school these days, you'd have to be a fool these days.
-summer heights high- come back to me!!
-i need to be better.

"who wants to be right as rain? It's better when something's wrong."

New Art:

Anchor- keep me grounded.
Tree- reminder I'm always growing.
Clock- reminder how short and precious our time is.

New art. New life. New attitude.

"Well, she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind,
That's running wild.
Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams
And fairytales,

That's all she ever thinks about ...

Riding with the wind.

When I'm sad, she comes to me
With a thousand smiles
She gives to me free.

It's alright, she says,
It's alright;
Take anything you want from me,
Anything.

Fly on, little wing."

Love remembers.

4:25 a.m. and I've awoken in intense tears. A dream turned nightmare that has been recurrent for several months or so. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since you left last Saturday. and even more so before then. I love you and I miss you so much, you have no idea. "How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you."--- nearly brought me to tears tonight at work. I can't stop thinking about it. Oh, how I pray for full circle. It killed me when you bent down to roll up my jeans for me so they wouldn't get soaked in the rain, and then held my hand walking so I wouldn't fall. I miss our innocence. When you used to make you scratch your back for a whole hour, just so I could watch America's Next Top Model or Queer Eye, or whatever ridiculous reality show I was obsessed with. I miss listening to you go on and on about oil filters or carbon fiber or some stupid scientific crap that I had no interest in, and just smiling at you and loving the fact that you were so incredibly smart. I want you back in my life. Because Love remembers. I miss the little surprises. you making me noodles bc you made them best... driving in your ridiculously loud redneck car bc you love it so much... the look on your face whenever you got excited about something... i need to stop crying and go back to sleep. But Love remembers. Do I need to try to forget? bc I don't want to. I'm gonna give it to God.

"We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

I love my life! I've kinda struggled with that thought lately; I've been uber-stressed. yes, I said uber-stressed. First of all, this "crud" needs to leave me alone! I've had an upper respiratory/sinus infection for the past three weeks, yes 3***! booo, you illness, quit stalking me. kinda makin' me crazy. i just wanna stay in my bed and not leave the house because there are more germs floating around my classroom than DCH. yuck. Next, I have but one thing to say: He's just not that into you. And lemme' tell you, I needed to see that. I loved the movie. Absolutely Lurved it. It made me come to a realization that I have been needing for a long time. If he doesn't call you, he's not into you. "Men don't forget how much they like you, so put down the phone!", Thank you. "If you can find him, then he can find you. and if he wants to find you, he will." Thank you for that one, too. I am far better than that guy, that's for sure. Oh, and him, sir skank is officially out of my life forever. Thank you, Jesus. You have been good to me. I have amazing friends. Crazy, but amazing none-the-less. Thank you for getting me through each day! You are what keeps me from going crazy missing my family. You are my family. Thank you for that.




New year, new me. I'm trying to start all over. Let's try the whole single and lovin' it thing. I just have two more classes after this semester and then i'm done. yay, me! I have so many thoughts for what I want to do when I graduate. ugh. I need to get my resume together for summer internships. AHH!!! No more princess procrastinator. time to get serious. so that means NO Distractions. I'm gonna try to stick to it. I definitely am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. i lurve it. although, i'm getting fat. i hate it. new year, new me-- so let's get's get rid of this flab, ok whit? I want to start going to the rec. i need to start eating better/less. i wish i weren't on this stupid late night-college kid-fast food-ultra carb nutrition nightmare. speaking of nightmares: i'm over this one. this stupid, recurrent, completely messing with my head, taking me places i shouldn't be dream. it's weird, it's a dream and a nightmare at the same time. like my past is haunting me. i'm ready for it to stop. although, i miss him. come pick me up.

"on many occasions i go out into the world and make a complete fool of myself but i always come back, and in the end, i love every minute of it." -- f. scott fitzgerald