"I can almost see it.."

"...That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
*I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on"

The past few weeks have been intense, to say the least. I've experienced a whirl wind of emotions that nearly brought me to my breaking point, but managed to overcome them all successfully. well, for the most part. I've battled a deadly plague of strep throat-- really, it's of the devil-- and feel better now. thankfully. i've lost friends, and brought them back again; Capital 'F' Friends are few and far between. i've definitely been doing some evaluating and learning the hard way who my true Friends really are.

Am i really the person you make me out to be?
Do i really make everyone feel the way you said I do?
Do all my friends secretly feel the way you said?
i've never been more hurt by words in my life. ever.

i must remember this:
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:27-31

I'm trying. oh, so hard... I'm trying. It's easier said than done when you've been hurt so badly. I think I have done a great job. I don't want to lose you as a friend. If you truly feel the way you said, and truly harbor so much hatred for me, why should I try to remain your friend? but, i have. because i love. because i care more about my relationships with my friends than you give me credit for; you're going to see how false your accusations are, and how differently i am than the image you have created of me. i will forgive you, but first you must apologize. i'm still waiting on that, and i have a feeling i will be forever. we'll see.

it makes me wonder. it brings me down.
i have so much to do this week. so much due. but my mind is overloaded with so many different things. so many different thoughts and feelings.

thoughts spill now:
i pray for you. i worry about you. i am here for you. i love you.
i need a few prayers. am i always gonna have to wonder if they're talking about me? are you going to be honest with me about your feelings? why did i do that again? i always set my self up for disaster and disappointment. my taxes are screwed. making that list was a bad idea. am i going to be able to get everything done and pass? i'm so scared. so stressed. there's beauty in the breakdown. why don't you want to be a part of my life anymore? why do you let her define you and control you? preesh. it's nice to know how you really feel. you don't really care anymore do you? oh, the power of prayer. i need to take my medicine. sleep, sleep should be in my future, but instead i'm wide awake. my heart is a jigsaw puzzle. i don't need you to fix me, but i think we could fix each other. maybe you would've been something i'd be good at? maybe i would've been something you'd be good at?? but now, we'll never know. i screwed up, again. story of my life. remove foot from mouth, then speak. duh. will you be excited if i can? i'm ready to go home. i hope you got my voice mail. i hope you don't think that that's how it's gonna be. i need to be better for my self, before i can be better for everyone else. i know you're thinking about me too, i just know it. i know you think about me when you hear the same songs i hear that me think about you. i just wish you would let me know. why can't you be there? i've been here, always. "i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me." i don't want to be that naive girl anymore. mehr. i want to be the girl that makes you weak when she walks by. who makes your heart do somersaults and your tummy tingle with butterflies. i want to walk in the room and your face light up as you proudly tell everyone: this is the girl i love. oh, wishful thinking. distractions, distractions. i've found the right wrong one. ugh. prayers.

on a brighter note:
i got my color ink done. woo hoo.
i think it's absolutely beautiful and i can't stop staring at it.
it truly makes me happy.
see:

let's make this week meaningful.
gotta get a move on.
be blessed.
peace, ♥, princesses.

chasing pavements... with a circus mind.

Life. Oh, sometimes it laughs in your face. Sometimes things happen that are completely unexpected, and throw you for a whirl wind. sometimes we face tragedy. sometimes we find such laughter and happiness that we can laugh back at life. sometimes we can't. ups and downs make us who we are.

"Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"- Jimi Hendrix

I feel like I may be having trouble reading the signs. I don't know. I think I continue to set myself up for failure. or not failure, rejection. but not really rejection, maybe dissatisfaction. I hate having to think so hard about everything. I wish decisions came more naturally and easily. I wish prayers were answered immediately. I wish for less uncertainty. ugh. time for random blogging thoughts... some for random people.

-i keep waiting for the day that one of you will call me and tell me you're madly in love with me. sitting, waiting, wishing.
-i am jealous of your free spirit.
-i wish i would've gotten to know you better, experienced your excitement for life and good will for others. you are in my thoughts everyday. you made me realize exactly how much we take for granted in life, and opened my eyes to reality. thank you for helping me see.
-i can ride my bike with no handle bars.
-you were right when you said you should just realize what was right in front of you. too bad you were too drunk to remember. and too bad i cant forget.
-i think you are making a huge mistake, but you're far too sensitive now to realize it.
-i worry about you all the time. i keep thinking that things will change and you'll all of a sudden just be different. why do i continue to put myself out there? you're just not that into me.
-i feel like christina and you're owen.
-oh, how i love grey's. it makes me smile.
-i want a chuck bass in my life. why does he have to be my type?? why not nate or dan? ugh. why must i dig assholes?
-finally another outlet.
-i can't wait to see my family again.
-cook me something yummy.
-why are you telephone illiterate?
-again the false affection.
-bickity bam. you are rubber. hence, no games.
-i absolutely have to stop eating like a horse so late. ugh.
-i've been calling and texting you for days, brother dear. wtf?
-research?? that's what i'll call it now.
-i have a ton of school work I should be attending to, RIGHT NOW.
-i have ADD. of the worst kind. diarrhea of the mouth.
-FML.i am too good for you and i know it. story of my life.
-why didn't you call me?
-i need to clean my room.
-i need to finish my resume.
-school these days, you'd have to be a fool these days.
-summer heights high- come back to me!!
-i need to be better.

"who wants to be right as rain? It's better when something's wrong."

New Art:

Anchor- keep me grounded.
Tree- reminder I'm always growing.
Clock- reminder how short and precious our time is.

New art. New life. New attitude.

"Well, she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind,
That's running wild.
Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams
And fairytales,

That's all she ever thinks about ...

Riding with the wind.

When I'm sad, she comes to me
With a thousand smiles
She gives to me free.

It's alright, she says,
It's alright;
Take anything you want from me,
Anything.

Fly on, little wing."

Love remembers.

4:25 a.m. and I've awoken in intense tears. A dream turned nightmare that has been recurrent for several months or so. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since you left last Saturday. and even more so before then. I love you and I miss you so much, you have no idea. "How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you."--- nearly brought me to tears tonight at work. I can't stop thinking about it. Oh, how I pray for full circle. It killed me when you bent down to roll up my jeans for me so they wouldn't get soaked in the rain, and then held my hand walking so I wouldn't fall. I miss our innocence. When you used to make you scratch your back for a whole hour, just so I could watch America's Next Top Model or Queer Eye, or whatever ridiculous reality show I was obsessed with. I miss listening to you go on and on about oil filters or carbon fiber or some stupid scientific crap that I had no interest in, and just smiling at you and loving the fact that you were so incredibly smart. I want you back in my life. Because Love remembers. I miss the little surprises. you making me noodles bc you made them best... driving in your ridiculously loud redneck car bc you love it so much... the look on your face whenever you got excited about something... i need to stop crying and go back to sleep. But Love remembers. Do I need to try to forget? bc I don't want to. I'm gonna give it to God.

"We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

I love my life! I've kinda struggled with that thought lately; I've been uber-stressed. yes, I said uber-stressed. First of all, this "crud" needs to leave me alone! I've had an upper respiratory/sinus infection for the past three weeks, yes 3***! booo, you illness, quit stalking me. kinda makin' me crazy. i just wanna stay in my bed and not leave the house because there are more germs floating around my classroom than DCH. yuck. Next, I have but one thing to say: He's just not that into you. And lemme' tell you, I needed to see that. I loved the movie. Absolutely Lurved it. It made me come to a realization that I have been needing for a long time. If he doesn't call you, he's not into you. "Men don't forget how much they like you, so put down the phone!", Thank you. "If you can find him, then he can find you. and if he wants to find you, he will." Thank you for that one, too. I am far better than that guy, that's for sure. Oh, and him, sir skank is officially out of my life forever. Thank you, Jesus. You have been good to me. I have amazing friends. Crazy, but amazing none-the-less. Thank you for getting me through each day! You are what keeps me from going crazy missing my family. You are my family. Thank you for that.




New year, new me. I'm trying to start all over. Let's try the whole single and lovin' it thing. I just have two more classes after this semester and then i'm done. yay, me! I have so many thoughts for what I want to do when I graduate. ugh. I need to get my resume together for summer internships. AHH!!! No more princess procrastinator. time to get serious. so that means NO Distractions. I'm gonna try to stick to it. I definitely am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. i lurve it. although, i'm getting fat. i hate it. new year, new me-- so let's get's get rid of this flab, ok whit? I want to start going to the rec. i need to start eating better/less. i wish i weren't on this stupid late night-college kid-fast food-ultra carb nutrition nightmare. speaking of nightmares: i'm over this one. this stupid, recurrent, completely messing with my head, taking me places i shouldn't be dream. it's weird, it's a dream and a nightmare at the same time. like my past is haunting me. i'm ready for it to stop. although, i miss him. come pick me up.

"on many occasions i go out into the world and make a complete fool of myself but i always come back, and in the end, i love every minute of it." -- f. scott fitzgerald

"Sleep, it's the easiest thing to do... you just... close your eyes..."

first of all-- Thank you for teaching me all that you did about myself... and about the many horrible people in this world who will mistake your kindness for weakness and take advantage of you, then chew you up and spit you out. It hurt at first, I cried.. I screamed.. and now, I'm laughing. Life is better without you-- parasite-- no car, no hair, no money, no friends, no future, no respect or love for anyone but yourself--- Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me with a break up...
and p.s.-- she's cheating on you. :P

There- I'm done, I can wash my hands of that heinous mistake and move on with my life now.
(but i'd still like my money, please).

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. Slow it down. Make it stop. Or else my heart is going to pop. 'Cause it's too much. Yeah, it's a lot. To be something I'm not. I'm a fool. Out of love. 'Cause I just can't get enough. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. The sun is hot. In the sky. Just like a giant spotlight. The people follow the sign. And synchronize in time. It's a joke. Nobody knows. They've got a ticket to that show. Yeah. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. Just enjoy the show. I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show. dum de dum. dudum de dum. Just enjoy the show. dum de dum. dudum de dum. Just enjoy the show. I want my money back. I want my money back. I want my money back. Just enjoy the show."

now a bit of random blogging.

This weekend was fun. but a bit dramatic. I'm 23 years old-- I jumped off the HIgh school train about 5 years ago. But I still love you all, none-the-less. Happy Birthday to the BEST LIL' SISTER EVER-- you are such a beautiful person, inside and out, I am so glad you came into my life!!!...
I wish i never would have let you go. (no, not said parasite.) first love. i miss you. and i think about you everyday. I wonder, sometimes, if maybe when i graduate we can be together. I have faith that God will bring you back if he wants to...
purple. my new pink. i think you are absolutely beautiful and you make me smile. and you look great on me. besides, it's still a princess color, right?...
everyday I think God for my many blessings of new friends-- loves-- into my life.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people. Thank you smiling and laughing, and for making me smile and laugh. and making my life better each day. I love you for it. now if only you read my blogs. psssh.. no one does that but my mom...

speaking of-- oh how i can't wait for turkey day. yays. i can't wait to see my family. and my beautiful nieces. and get my hair cut. and see my nieces. and eat, eat, eat. screw weight watchers Thursday. I'm doin it BIG. I come from a family of UH-MAY-ZING chefs. yum. i can't wait to taste my mom's, and my nana's, and my sister's home cooking. :) pass that torch on please....
Can I just say-- "I love to smile, smiling is my favortite!" and "The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing loud for all to hear!!"-- YAYS for the most wonderful time of the year. I have big plans for all my people this year and I can't wait. Christmas movies. Christmas MUSIC. Christmas decorations. Oh. em. gee. LOVES IT! I've already watched Elf-- (3 times)-- Home Alone, A Christmas Story, AND Bad Santa-- and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...
I made a list last week. it made me angry. i'm not okay with the fact that it consumes me and who I am. but i can't change it. i mean, i can but that seems so hard. i don't know what to do...

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” -Jack Kerouak

grey's is my junk. i ♥ it. so, so BIG. it makes me smile. it makes me think about life, my life, and how i'm not alone in the world with all my problems. everyone has problems...
men who have children and don't take care of them really piss me off. how could you live on the other side of a country from your child and not take care of him? how could you allow seven years to pass without trying. try. try harder. he'll resent you one day if you don't...
even though i love the sense of karma, and the news you shared with me made my life-- i still wish you would have told me sooner. but i love you for sharing. better late than never. and thank you for respecting my love and my space and allowing me to learn from my mistakes. preesh. omg. you're dialect is totally rubbing off on me. it's so funny how people in your life can influence you without even knowing...
and now, to you: i'm sorry he hurt you. i'm sorry i hurt you by merely talking to him. he's my friend, you're my friend. and my loyalty is to you because i love you. but that doesn't mean i'm going to stop being friend's with him, and you should not ask me to do that. you should just know how much love and respect I have for you and our friendship and that i would NEVER violate that. ever. i'm not the type...
oh, how i've had so much to say for so long... but a break for now, for i need to attempt sleep. and dream of...

"...But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp-- We want it but we don't know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time isn't so scary because we realize--- we aren't all alone in the dark"

"I wanna go to Hawaii..."

"I want to go to Hawaii,
Build my castle out of sand...
And I won't need anybody telling me that I can't"

I think I've finally accepted it, and if you love me, you have accepted it, as well... I'm pretty much the most emotional human being to ever walk the face of the earth. I come with a twin, but not so much twin, as we were definitely not born on the same day and we definitely are not identical--- my sister. It doesn't seem as if our mom is quite this way... UGH!

I spent an amazingly wonderful Saturday in the comfort of my beautiful family, and although I had planned an eventful, fun-filled evening of my usual debauchery, I enjoyed this one probably more-so than the other. I guess you could say I'm growing up. Although, not as much as I'd like because if I'd have had my favorite person by my side, the night would have been almost as calm, but not quite... i'm just too ADD for my own good.

But anywho.. I spent my Saturday driving a little while, painting faces a bit, and being the object of an adorable five year old's affection, and boy, was it fun! :)
Everyone needs that every once in a while.

AND OH. EM. GEE. Did you see that Alabama game???
Can I just say ROLL TIDE!!!!!!!!!!???????? #2 BAYBAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I freakin love it.
And I cannot wait for my "zone" seats this weekend.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and until then...
Peace, ♥, and Princeses
~WhitneyGirl