"I can almost see it.."

"...That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
*I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on"

The past few weeks have been intense, to say the least. I've experienced a whirl wind of emotions that nearly brought me to my breaking point, but managed to overcome them all successfully. well, for the most part. I've battled a deadly plague of strep throat-- really, it's of the devil-- and feel better now. thankfully. i've lost friends, and brought them back again; Capital 'F' Friends are few and far between. i've definitely been doing some evaluating and learning the hard way who my true Friends really are.

Am i really the person you make me out to be?
Do i really make everyone feel the way you said I do?
Do all my friends secretly feel the way you said?
i've never been more hurt by words in my life. ever.

i must remember this:
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:27-31

I'm trying. oh, so hard... I'm trying. It's easier said than done when you've been hurt so badly. I think I have done a great job. I don't want to lose you as a friend. If you truly feel the way you said, and truly harbor so much hatred for me, why should I try to remain your friend? but, i have. because i love. because i care more about my relationships with my friends than you give me credit for; you're going to see how false your accusations are, and how differently i am than the image you have created of me. i will forgive you, but first you must apologize. i'm still waiting on that, and i have a feeling i will be forever. we'll see.

it makes me wonder. it brings me down.
i have so much to do this week. so much due. but my mind is overloaded with so many different things. so many different thoughts and feelings.

thoughts spill now:
i pray for you. i worry about you. i am here for you. i love you.
i need a few prayers. am i always gonna have to wonder if they're talking about me? are you going to be honest with me about your feelings? why did i do that again? i always set my self up for disaster and disappointment. my taxes are screwed. making that list was a bad idea. am i going to be able to get everything done and pass? i'm so scared. so stressed. there's beauty in the breakdown. why don't you want to be a part of my life anymore? why do you let her define you and control you? preesh. it's nice to know how you really feel. you don't really care anymore do you? oh, the power of prayer. i need to take my medicine. sleep, sleep should be in my future, but instead i'm wide awake. my heart is a jigsaw puzzle. i don't need you to fix me, but i think we could fix each other. maybe you would've been something i'd be good at? maybe i would've been something you'd be good at?? but now, we'll never know. i screwed up, again. story of my life. remove foot from mouth, then speak. duh. will you be excited if i can? i'm ready to go home. i hope you got my voice mail. i hope you don't think that that's how it's gonna be. i need to be better for my self, before i can be better for everyone else. i know you're thinking about me too, i just know it. i know you think about me when you hear the same songs i hear that me think about you. i just wish you would let me know. why can't you be there? i've been here, always. "i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me." i don't want to be that naive girl anymore. mehr. i want to be the girl that makes you weak when she walks by. who makes your heart do somersaults and your tummy tingle with butterflies. i want to walk in the room and your face light up as you proudly tell everyone: this is the girl i love. oh, wishful thinking. distractions, distractions. i've found the right wrong one. ugh. prayers.

on a brighter note:
i got my color ink done. woo hoo.
i think it's absolutely beautiful and i can't stop staring at it.
it truly makes me happy.
see:

let's make this week meaningful.
gotta get a move on.
be blessed.
peace, ♥, princesses.