"...Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"

you truly are my owen. and it kills me. i wish i could get you out of my mind and stop wasting my tears on you. i know you're certainly not thinking of me. ugh. i just can't get over how cowardly you are acting. how could you tell me what you did and then just vanish? i thought about you all day yesterday and i hated it. i spent my whole memorial day thinking of you. i'm so thankful that you fought for our freedom but i hate what it did to you. ptsd is a serious issue. believe me, I KNOW. i pray for you. i worry about you. i think i love you. but, i'm not going to let this consume me, although it seems as if it already has. get out of my head. leave me alone. please. i've taken some initiative. i officially deleted your number from my phone. step one.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

"because I know there's better things to come...

Although you think I cope,
my head is filled with hope...
of some place other than here.

Although you think I smile,
inside all the while...
I'm wondering about my destiny.

I'm thinking about,
all the things,
I'd like to do in my life.

I'm a dreamer,
a distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope, from today.

Even when you see me frown,
my heart won't let me down,
because I know there's better things to come (Woah Yeah).

And when life gets tough,
I feel I've had enough,
I hold on to a distant star,

I'm thinking about,
all the things,
I'd like to do in my life...

I'm a dreamer,
A distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope from today.

So, I've been thinking. It's been such a stressful past few weeks. All I've been doing is thinking about everything. about life and what i'm gonna do with mine. about how i'm living everyday, and changes i need to make. i really need to freaking grow up. and i thought i was doing a pretty good job... but lemme' tell you. wake-up call. no not, the maroon 5 song, wake-up call like, Whitney what the hell are you doing? you're twenty-three and about to graduate, why don't you act like it? Slap in the face.
I'm awake. and I'm trying hard. It's hard to be hurting, and stressed and have so much on your plate. But i'm gonna keep smiling and keep on keeping on, because I know that there're better things to come!

I've been thinking that after I graduate, I'd like to be a flight attendant. And I've been saying that for a long time now, but never really seriously looked into it... and nana sara called me the other day to tell me she had a great idea, and she said we think we have a perfect job for you to do, and i knew as soon as she said it, yay! So, I'm looking into it. I wanna see the world. I want to travel. I want to do big things with my life! BIG things. And I feel like just sitting here and working some 9-5 job isn't gonna cut it for me. I'm too ADD for that, for sure. It's so weird that they thought of that, though. Because It's always been a dream of mine.

Blah. It's almost time for random thoughts. They're not for you to try and figure out and analyze or judge. They're just random thoughts that I wanna get out. It really helps me to focus and clear my mind. Especially times like now. Have you ever had so much gong on that you feel like you can't catch up? Like no matter what you do you're somehow not succeeding or getting any closer to what you want? Ugh. I hate that. I really don't have that much going on-- just a lot of emotional and mental stress.
I did okay in school this semester, but I could have done so much better. My grades could be soooooo much better. But I just can't focus. This fall--- my last go round-- I'm gonna give it all I've got. I can't wait. I think it'll be good for me to live by myself and really spend a lot of time focusing on graduating and trying to be healthy.
I've got to get in shape, for sure. I feel like a cow. I've lost a few more pounds, but I feel so blah lately. I need to take better care of myself.

And to you: but i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple. who i'm sure will never see this blog. never probably care to look at it. because you've never really cared at all. although, sometimes it felt so complete, it seemed so right. hadn't been thinking like that for a while... why did i let it get the best of me? i've wanted so bad to bump into you lately. soooo bad to see you, and want you to call me and talk to me. just to have you as a friend. i'm not gonna forget the things you said to me. and i let it get me so upset, and let it consume me. it caused me a lot of trouble. and you can't even talk to me now? wow. you're not the person i thought you were and it hurts. we had a great friendship and i know you know it. I know you feel differently than your actions. I saw it in your eyes every time you talked to me. You are a coward and you're just not that into me, obviously. take time to realize... why am i wasting my thoughts on you? ugh.

btw, i applied for the next season of tough love. yes, i really did. I think steve could do some work on my heart and help me a lot. don't judge. Yeah.
So i'm really jaded. i've been praying a lot lately. God is amazing. and i am sooo happy for cc. :jealousy: i wish i had your strength. that's really the kind of lifestyle change i could use right now. and really be healthy. I should eat some flintstones too. for fun. :) i really should be getting ready for work right now but i don't want to. mehr. I have so much to say. i'm crushing on another unattainable man, as well. why do i do this to myself? whitney--stop thinking about finding a man and focus on yourself. why can't i do it? oh yeah- you're really getting on my nerves. really, really. you're not above the law, ma'am. just fyi. and you're attitude is a buzzkill for all of us positive and optimistic people. get over your own stuff and be nice. meditate. pray. please.

work time. maybe back later-- i still have a lot upstairs.